Call Of Duty returns this month, in the form of Black Ops III, along with an annual swarm of trash-talking trolls dead-set on slamming your sub-standard sniping skills. But if anybody knows how to duke it out with online dickheads, it’s heckler-slaying comedian Daniel Sloss...
“Say, ‘You obviously didn’t have sex with my mother, because she has standards.’ Also, point out that while they would very much like to shag your mother, under no circumstances would you ever consider fucking his. That’s a far bigger insult.”
“Mum jokes are 10-a-penny; but what if I told you I took your aunt out on a date? Or that your uncle is shit at blowjobs? It would mess with any troll’s head. Do they even want their uncle to be good at blowjobs? By the time they’ve decided, the game will be over. You’ve won.”
“Take a night course in psychology and get a thorough understanding of what makes human beings tick. Then, after you’ve gained any and all possible qualifications, proceed to use that knowledge to utterly destroy the troll and their entire sense of self.”
“If you’re playing, it’s probably because you finally got some time on your own, away from work and commitments. But this is their life. If they’re better at headshots than you, it’s probably because you were kissing girls while they were practising. Own it.”
_ Daniel Sloss is touring his show _ Dark _ now _