Image Via Gawker
I guess you could say my love affair with beer began at an early-age, or at the very least, earlier than most. I was about 13 or 14 years old (sorry, Mom) when I thought it was time to start exploring the finer things in life, you know, like fermented beverages. God forbid I explored culture, art, or politics — I was smart enough, a fact of which was decidedly so by my straight A report card and mastery of sarcasm. I won't deviate too much, but word to the wise: book smart and street smart are NOT the same thing and, frankly, if you have to nurture one, stick with the latter.
Anyway, there I was doing my thang, sowing my wild oats well before the legal age. Granted, these wild oats I speak of were usually myself and four other girlfriends sharing a single, warm beer in someone's basement, but still, it was a rockin' good time. I discovered a lot about the booze in those days.
For starters, to this day, beer is the only alcoholic beverage I can consume without ever having to worry about waking up in a strange place the next day, nursing a killer hangover all day long. Don't get me wrong, beer gives me a slight hangover, it's just not the sort of loose-brain, pulsating skull, I'm going to shit-and-vomit-at-the-same-time hangover that I get from say, tequila, rum, wine, champagne, vodka, whiskey or gin. Beer is safe, it's fun, it's classic! It can be funneled or shot-gunned! You can play beer pong or flip cup or, I don't know, casually sip it with dinner — if that's your kink.
More than just being a fun, social beverage it has varying degrees of snobbery. Some people live and breathe by double-brewed-fermented-aged-hoppy-citrusy IPA BS and others are fine kickin' back with a bottom of the barrel brew. Personally, at the age of 25, I'm a middle of the road kinda gal — my favorite beer is Stella Artois. That's not to say I didn't do my fair share of slumming back in the day. Hell, if someone handed me a Keystone Light right now, I'd throw it back. Below I'm breaking down the who, what, where, why and when of America's shittiest beers on this fine #InternationalBeerDay
Who: Brooklyn Hipster-Douche Who May Or May Not Be In Art School But More Likely Bartends At Ironic-Hipster Speak Easy
What: I'm A Millennial Who Still Supports This Country By Way Of Cheap Domestic Brews And Nothing Else
Where: Bushwick, Green Point, And Parts Of The Lower East Side
When: A Couple Of Weeks After Your Parents Stop Paying Your Phone Bill
Why: To Appear Like A Simple-Minded Salt Of The Earth Men Who No One Would Guess Spends 45 Minutes Every Morning Grooming Their Beard
Who: Someone Likely To Say "I Been Drinkin' This Here Beer For Twenty Years"
What: I'm Not Payin' For No Bud Light, No Way
Where: Possibly A Truck Stop Bathroom, Possibly A NASCAR Race
When: Every Day Since 1955
Why: Because I Know What I Like, What You Mean, Why?
Natural "Natty" Light
Who: College Bro Who's More Concerned About Studying Beer-Pong Technique Than Accounting
What: I'm The F*cking King Of The World! Mr. Johnny College Who Can Drink Anyone Under The Table
Where: Frat Houses
When: Anytime You're Under The Age Of 23
Why: To Be The Life Of The Party, Beer-Pong Champ, Break-Up Fights And Have An Excuse For Macking Everything In Sight
Who: I've Got Coors Tastes On A Keystone Budget, What Can Ya Do?
What: I'll Drink The Good Shit When I Graduate And Work On Wall Street, Dude
Where: Big 10 School
When: Between The Hours Of Sleep And Awake On College Campuses Across America... Or On A GOlf Course
Why: BRAH, WHY NOT? Let's Shotgun
Who: A Simple Man Who Believes In Good Ol' Fashioned American Values — Like Women Making Roasts Every Night For Dinner
What: I'm Looking To Catch A Cheap Buzz Before Bed, That's What
Where: Beat-Up Lazy Boy In The Living Room
When: The Moment Beer Makes You Happier Than Your Job/Marriage/Children
Why: To Drink Copious Amounts Of Beer Without Getting Drunk Enough To Piss Off Your Wife (More Likely A Girlfriend Of 10-Years You Have A Child With)
Who: Anyone Who Secretly Hates The Taste Of Beer, But Wants To Maintain Societal Convention (i.e. High School Jocks)
What: I'm Having Fun! Look, I Can Drink A Sh*t Ton Without Puking (Unlike That Time I Stole My Dad's Jägermeister)
Where: Popular Kid's Basement
When: After You've Convinced Your Parents Your Sleeping At A Friend's House
Why: Because 12th Grade Geometry Is Hard, Man!
OR Grown Men In The Mountains, Apparently ^^
- Miller Lite
- Rolling Rock
- Colt 45
- Olde English 800
- Bud Light Lime