×

Jurassic World: These Are The Questions We DEMAND Get Answered Before We Tell You How Good It Is

Jurassic World comes out properly tomorrow, and while we're fairly certain it's awesome, we refuse to tell you what it's like (or isn't like) before we get these pressing questions answered.

Warning: potential spoilers ahead...

01  Why has the main kid got the same haircut as Ellie from the first one?

02  Why did the main kid's mother allow her two young children to go to a park full of terrifying, once-extinct creatures big enough to eat them, without a trustworthy supervisor?

03  When’s Jeff Goldblum turning up?

04  Are those flying mini T-Rex heads?

05  How is Jessica Chastain running through the jungle in heels?

06  Wait, that’s NOT Jessica Chastain?

Jessica Chastain was the one in Interstellar, A Most Violent Year and Zero Dark Thirty. Bryce Dallas Howard was in Twilight: Eclipse, Spider-Man 3 (as blonde Gwen Stacy) and is now in Jurassic World. To make things extra-confusing, they were both in The Help.

07  Can someone get eaten off a toilet again?

08  The script's not gonna get better than that ‘clever girl’ scene in Jurassic Park, is it?

09  Why are they feeding that giant dinosaur a Great White Shark, an endangered species?

10  Is Chris Pratt’s moustache on wonky?

11  Didn’t anyone, at any point, say "hang on, a giant fucking mutant hybrid dinosaur thing would be a bad idea…"

12  Why doesn't this angry-looking T-Rex want to eat ginger people?

13  Seriously, did no one think to get Jeff Goldblum in for a cameo?

14  Has the man whose job it was to come up with the name ‘Indominus Rex’ been fired yet?

15  Why am I welling up?

That’s John Williams' score taking you back to a simpler time, when you wore short shorts without looking like a weirdo, played football for hours without the ache of unfitness making you walk like John Wayne, and discovered how delicious Play-Doh is.

16  Hey, where do I know her from? The sexy geek one?

Oh, that’s Lauren Lapkus, the trouser-wearing prison guard from Orange Is The New Black. She confuses our fancy bone, too.

17  Come on, Jeff Goldblum only needs to be on screen for 20 seconds. You had one job, casting director.

Jurassic Park _ opens nationwide on Friday 12 June _

Loading ...