Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the world’s greatest Gumtree advert: ‘Sexy, single Italian model. Returning from Boston, US. Seeks average-looking male flatmate to hang out with and have regular, ‘no-strings’ full sex. No time-wasters.’
Sadly, it’s not a real advert, but effectively the premise of Melissa Satta’s saucy Italian sitcom in which she plays the aforementioned dream housemate. The Comedy Central series is just one of the more recent strings to Satta’s ever-growing bow, which boasts acting, pro-football, comedy, gameshow-hosting and Chuck Norris-approved karate. Hence the reference to her being a ninja, although for legal reasons we can’t imply that she’s actually killed anyone with bare hands. She did, however, bag a gold medal at the Italian Karate Championships.
Although born in Boston, US, Satta chopped her way into the limelight after moving to Italy to star in numerous high-end adverts and glossy fashion shoots. Since then her profile has exploded, meaning you’d be just as likely to see her on Italian telly screens as you would tourists making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Like some sort of Frankenstein’s Monster of incredible women, she’s as well known for her acting and football punditry as she is her mind-blowing modelling shoots.
Melissa’s Comedy Central (Italy) web series was essentially a carbon copy of the Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis romp Friends With Benefits, and was called Amici @ Letto (which translates as Friends @ Bed). Although her Italian co-star looks more like a white, grey-haired Laurence Fishburne than dashing crooner Timberlake, from the clips FHM watched on YouTube it looks like a bit o’ fun. (Disclaimer: we had no idea whatsoever what was going on).
Silky-skills Satta played professional football in Sardinia at one point too, which must have given her and former AC Milan midfielder Kevin-Prince Boateng a smörgåsbord of smalltalk when they started going out a few years ago. Since then it’s their off-the-field antics that have raised a few eyebrows in media circles, with what is arguably the sexiest sporting incident since Peter Beardsley’s ballsack fell out of his shorts that time.
In 2012, while still at Milan, Boateng was laid off for a few games with a ‘thigh injury’ although it was Satta who offered some more helpful insights into his suffering. “The reason he is always injured is because we have sex seven to 10 times a week,” she told Vanity Fair magazine.
With Boateng presumably waving his hands and simultaneously chewing his lips off, Satta continued: “That’s the reason for the strain. I hate foreplay, I want to get straight to the point. My favourite position is on top so I can take control.” So there it is. Melissa Satta: officially more of a threat to international football than Sepp Blatter.
Of course, the Italian-American has all the usual medals of honour that go with being one of the world’s sexist stars, including an appearance in the legendary Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And at 29, she’s still got plenty of time to bone up on some new extra-curricular activities. We’re hopeful by this time next year she’ll have added archery, woodwork and snake-charming to her roster of slightly lethal skills.