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The only thing more American than Super Bowl Sunday is Super Bowl Monday. Why, you ask? Well, think about it, you've got an entire population of people hungover and low-functioning all because corporations like the NFL and the Super Bowl's countless sponsors suggested that it would be a solid idea to party like a college kid on a Sunday night. Americans, if nothing else, are easily swayed by commercials, snacks, beer and football — combine those four things and what do you expect? We'd imagine that even people with the most high-powered careers in the country are getting their Super Bowl Sunday on, it's tradition! Hell, we bet Jeff Bezos is hungover on Super Bowl Monday — and he's the richest person in the world!
Which brings us to our very, very important point — why the hell isn't Super Bowl Monday a national holiday? We know what you might be thinking, "What if I don't even watch the Super Bowl? Why would I need Monday off?" OK, first of all, that isn't even a solid rebuttal. Think about it, if you do watch the game and get stupid F'in drunk, you can sleep off the painstaking hangover the next day. If you don't watch the game, guess what? You get a free day off anyway! What's there to complain about?
From an employee standpoint, Super Bowl Monday being a holiday should give you a boner, women included. We don't mean a literal boner, of course, we're just referring to being excited — duh. We realize that, from an employer standpoint, Super Bowl Monday being a holiday may present some issues. That being said, guess what, making employees work is just as detrimental to your business. According to CNBC, employers stand to lose an estimated 3 billion, yes, billion, dollars due to absenteeism the Monday after Super Bowl.
So, really, WTF, people, why hasn't this happened yet? You'd think the government would cut us a friggin' break, no? Speaking directly to the government: Haven't you done enough to us this past year? We hate to be combative, but, for God's sake, throw us a damn bone! It won't make up for the immeasurable indiscretions, but hitting that snooze button on Monday morning would make us Americans, for a second, forget how doomed we all are.
So, fellow Super Bowl enthusiasts, we implore you to reach out to your local officials and see what you can make happen. Actually, no, don't bother — nothing will come of that. Our advice? Well, we have a couple of options:
Suck it up and go to work hungover, bloated and depressed.
Call in sick and handle the same.
Quit your job.
Drink moderately, eat only enough to be full, not comatose, get a good night's sleep and start your workweek refreshed.
For those of you leaning toward the last option, don't be an overachiever, nobody likes overachievers. Just suck it up and endure the pay like the rest of us, that's the American way.
Image via Getty