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I'm 31 years old, would like to think I've got pretty good style and, now that I've had a serious girlfriend for just over seven months, it's time for me to do what every single man dreads—clean out the old closet and get rid of the bullshit.
This may sound easy to some of you out there, but for me, it was one of the most difficult things I had to do, parting ways with sentimental t-shirts, shorts that had holes but still fit and shoes that smelled like a baby's diaper but were still stylish.
After ridding myself of the rubbish, I'm passing on some of the knowledge I learned to you so you can do the same, because these are the eight items that no man should still have in his closet.
8. Untailored Suits
Do you think you're still attending a middle school dance and hunting for your first kiss? It doesn't matter that you—or, more appropriately, your parents spent—$250 on that all-black suit 15 years ago, the thing has to go. You're a big boy with a real job now, start looking the part.
7. Those Generic Saying T-Shirts
Shame on you for every owning these in the first place, but hit yourself in the face if you've actually held onto them after all of these years. The ones that read things like "Who needs a beer?" and has two thumbs pointing upwards towards your face are embarrassing, so go use them in a beach fire or something.
6. Flip Flops
Trust me, back in college I was the absolute king of rocking some flip flops no matter the weather or occasion. Hell, I'm pretty sure I wore these to a rehearsal dinner of a buddies once. Now that I'm older, though, I've discovered plenty of alternative options for my feet to be cozy in, though. You should do the same.
5. Bootcut Jeans
I know they still fit and are the perfect balance between too snug and too loose, but they look ridiculous. Bootcut jeans have the word "boot" in them because they were, once upon a time, meant to slip over some Doc Martens or something. No one wears Docs much anymore, so no one should be caught in bootcut jeans of any variety.
4. Pre-Tied Neckties
Sure, it seems so much easier to just slip the loop over your head and put the thing back on a hanger in your closet, but avoid the temptation and just undo it. Not only will you save complete laughter by anyone who discovers the pre-tied ties, but you'll extend the life of the accessory, too. It's a hassle to tie them every single time, I know, but it has to be done.
3. Light Pink Or Baby Blue Polos
The whole pastel look went out the minute you took your last final of college and you no longer had the right to demand underclassmen grab you a beer. Sadly, I actually still have a few of these hiding deep in the bowels of by dresser drawer, so I probably sound like a hypocrite, but go ahead and judge me.
2. Trucker Hats
It was awesome watching Ashton Kutcher punk people, what, like, 10 years ago, so why are you still under the impression that trucker hats are a thing people wear? You're probably not sponsored by a company to wear one, so there's really no reason to ever be caught with one atop your head—unless it's a throwback party or something like that.
1. Cargo Shorts
There's one simple exception to this clothing item, and that's if you have them for practical use like hiking or something. Otherwise, ditch those side pockets and get some grown men shorts that don't leave people questioning if you're old enough to be in the same bar as them.