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The Essential St. Patrick's Day Drinking Guide

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St. Patrick's Day is arguably the biggest drinking day of the year next to Thanksgiving Eve. I'm not really sure why, considering most of the people partaking in the partying aren't even Irish, but I digress.

Irish or not, how do you make sure that you not only party hard, but party smart?

We're here to tell you now with this definitive St. Patrick's Day drinking guide. Permitting you haven't already started, I suggest you give it a read. It may just be the only thing separating you from the dude puking Jameson on a the street corner.

This is going to be as fool-proof as humanly possible and what better way to ensure that by just breaking it down for you in a numbered list?

  1. HYDRATE. HYDRATE. HYDRATE. Not with beer, not with whiskey, not with Irish Car Bombs, but with water. If you neglect this particular step, you are going to fade pretty fast. Not to mention, have an absolutely killer hangover tomorrow morning.

  2. Try to avoid mixing too many types of alcohol. Sure, a beer and some whiskey isn't going to kill you, but maybe leave it at that. Don't start bringing other random shit into the mix.

  3. Slow and steady wins the race, ya know? Just pace yourself, it's really that simple. I get the gist is to get as f*cked up as possible for most people, but you can do so in good time. If AT ALL possible, limit your number of drinks per hour. I don't care if you have the alcohol tolerance of Andre The Giant, St. Patrick's Day is one of those holidays where even the mighty can fall.

  4. Don't bring anything you're not willing to lose with you. The crowds are going to be huge and rowdy no matter where you go, so just save yourself the trouble and don't bring anything beyond some cash and your license. Please, don't bring your debit card. You WILL regret it, especially if you think you're Mark Cuban every time you drink.

  5. If you're going to partake in the marijuana arts, maybe wait until you get home. Excessive drinking coupled with smoking has been known to lead to a bad, bad time. Vomit is likely to ensue. You can live without yet another green thing for a couple of hours.

  6. Remember when I mentioned Irish Car Bombs earlier? Yeah? Don't do them. Okay, okay, ONE, if you MUST.

  7. Uber or public transportation is your only mode of transportation. I don't care if you've had one little sip of green beer. Law enforcement, especially on the roads, is in high gear today. Don't risk it, fellas.

  8. Your phone is your best friend most of the time, but it can also be your worst enemy. My advice? Don't use it past a certain point of the evening. The euphoria from the copious amounts of alcohol coupled with the spirited crowds are inevitably going to lead to you making some questionable calling/texting choices. The biggest goal here is to drink without feeling like a complete asshat in the morning.

Well gentleman, there you have it. Nothing too complicated, it's just a matter of making solid choices. If you're in college, there may be a learning curve, but if you're any older than that this should be a piece of cake for you. With old age comes great drinking responsibility.

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