The 25 questions we want Spielberg and friends to answer – possibly in a kind of filmic version of The Hague.
1. Why are their only a handful soldiers guarding Area 51, America’s most top secret military base?
2. Why in the first reel does the “supermagnetic” Crystal Skull pull any metal towards it – guns, ID tags, knives etc - but later choose not to?
3. What happens to the first Roswell alien found in the warehouse?
4. Why aren’t Indy and the Russian heavy thrown from the rocket cart when it hits the water trough?
5. Why, in a completely uninhabited test site for nuclear weapons, populated only by plastic dummies, was the TV on?
6. In fact, why was there a PA system announcing the countdown?
7. Even in a lead-lined fridge, how does Indy survive being super-heated up to 10,000ºC in a nuclear blast – and then fired hundreds of feet into the air?
8. What the hell is Jim Robinson from Neighbours doing there? Does Helen know?
9. The KGB allow Marion Ravenwood to send a letter to her son in order to ensnare Indy. But he’s a world-famous tenured professor – couldn’t they have found him through, say, we don’t know, the university?
10. And then, when they lost him in the chase – didn’t they think to check at his house, where he then retreated to?
11. Why does Mutt take his motorbike to Peru with him? And how did it fit into that little plane too?
12. Hang on - didn’t John Hurt used to be one of those “actor” people?
13. Did Karen Allen open her eyes during the final scene of Raiders Of The Lost Ark after all? Like the creepy Gestapo guy, she too seems to be melting. Albeit more slowly.
14. And whoa – did she just get knocked out by a branch?
15. How come they can still drive safely through dense jungle – even after they’ve blown up the Russian chopping machine?
16. When did the skull – an enormous lump of pure quartz – suddenly become feather-light and throwable?
17. How does Mutt catch up with the breakneck car chase - simply by swinging from vines?
18. Why do his new-found monkey friends only attack the Russians? Why?
19. Why, when falling off a 200ft waterfall, don’t the passengers in Indy’s car get smashed on the clearly visible rocks below?
20. After triggering the Mayan temple to open, the crude spiral staircase quickly disappears – nearly plummeting Indy and pals to his death on spikes below. So how did the Russian follow him down only moments later?
21. Why in the final scene is John Hurt now cameoing as KFC’s Colonel Sanders?
22. What exactly was the Macguffin – the unresolved plot device from the other movies – that George Lucas kept blathering on about in interviews for the past year?
23. Exactly how bad was the first script, approved by Spielberg and Ford but rejected by Lucas, that was written by Shawshank Redmpetion director Frank Darabont?
24. M. Night Shyamalan and Tom Stoppard were also asked to pen a draft of the screenplay – how shit must they have been?
25. What. The. Fuck?
Read FHM's critical savaging in full here.