WARNING: SPOILERS

At the end of Terminator 3, evil robot empire Skynet nuked everything, leaving apocalyptic skies, nuclear fallout and tumbleweed: a blank canvas, if you like, for whoever picked up the franchise. The result, Terminator Salvation, promised so much from teaser footage. Cortex-throttling special effects, a lavish bullet count and even (but we weren’t fussy) pseudo-cerebral thematic complexity.

But it’s always a bad sign when people start laughing during the ‘serious’ closing stages of a film. Regrettably, that’s exactly what happened when FHM went to see Salvation. It was depressing. It made you feel foolish for ever being scared of Arnie or the melty dude from James Cameron’s second film. It was stupefying. Remember: we wanted this to be great. And as you read our list of misgivings below, forgive, just for the moment, the fact that it’s directed by McG, the man responsible for the Charlie’s Angels films.

1/ It’s directed by McG, the man responsible for Charlie’s Angels films.

2/ Where does Marcus the terminator come from? Was he made after the T-1000? Or was he made in 2003? Is he supposed to look simple?

3/ Why does one of the terminators make a positive ID on Kyle Reese, then fail to put a bullet in his skull?

4/ There’s not a single scary robot in it. The most threatening is 100ft tall and looks like a Transformer.

5/ The Resistance have all ultra high-tech equipment, but then to set off the big bomb they use a black box the size of a pack of butter with a big red button on it.

6/ Christian Bale’s look of bone-melting embarrassment at having to say the line “I’ll be back”. No wonder he went mental on set.

7/ Christian Bale uses his Batman voice. Why does he use his Batman voice?

8/ The 'Madam Tussauds' Arnold Schwarzenegger head

9/ Sam Worthington looks like Wayne Rooney

10/ When Marcus the terminator says “You can have mine” at the end. You’ll know what that means when you see it. But don’t go and see it.

 

2/5