You’re starring in Hot Fuzz as a pair of coppers – have either of you ever made a citizen’s arrest?

Simon:
Yes, I arrested a man for stealing apples from an orchard when I lived in Gloucestershire. I ran him down for 15 hard minutes. He tired, I didn’t and nailed him.

Nick:
That’s a lie, isn’t it?

S:
Every last word. I’m sorry, no more pointless porkies in this interview.

When was the last time you were in trouble with the Old Bill?

S:
During filming I was stupidly driving while on my mobile phone and a policeman beeped me.

He beat you?!

S:
Beeped! He beeped me! There was no police brutality. I was pissed off with myself because I’d been playing this super cop and there I was, in trouble for a tiny misdemeanour. Nick’s been in worse trouble.

N:
The police raided my house for possession of an assault rifle. It was while we were making Spaced and my character, Ed, loved guns – so I took one home to learn how to dismantle it. They found out and came a-knockin’.

Nick, you were the best man at Simon’s wedding – was it the funniest best man’s speech of all time?

N:
It was hard, that’s for sure, because there were so many famous and funny people there. There’s so much pressure on the best man to be amazingly funny but your best bet, if you’re not a professional comedian, is don’t try and crack gags, just be honest. The comedy will come from that. And under no circumstances should you puke on the father of the bride.

When was the last time you were in a fight?

N:
I nearly punched my cab driver this morning because he was so annoying. I kickbox quite a bit so I scrap in my dojo regularly. But that’s controlled fighting – my last proper fight was a bit of a disaster. I was hospitalised in a fist fight and Simon had to come and get me. I was jumped by five kids.

S:
It wasn’t really a fist fight – you didn’t throw a punch! Remember when you threatened to tear that guy in half once?

N:
Yes, I’m a big guy so the threat of violence usually negates the need for it. He was coming on to my girlfriend.

S:
If you’re fighting Nick, keep your distance. A lot of his precision work is done when you get in close. Stay on the periphery because once he’s inside your arms you’re fucked. He’ll do some intense rib work then come up and put you flat on your back.

N:
You’ll find me where speed and power meet.

What would you do if we spilt your pint?

S:
I’d probably end up apologising. Then Nick would cut your head off.

N:
I’d probably apologise at first too, then get back to my seat, drink myself into a fury and roar at Simon, “That FHM fucker spilt my pint. Aaargh!” Then I’d see you in the toilets and put you through the cistern, pal.

 

 

Simon, during filming on Mission: Impossible III did Tom Cruise try and rope you into Scientology?

S:
He never mentioned it. I spent a lot of time with him and it wasn’t spoken about once. Everything you hear about people, that isn’t from first hand experience, is invariably wrong. And my first hand experience of Tom Cruise was very positive. It was a great movie to make, it was massive on every level and the catering was amazing. The burritos were in a different class.

You appear alongside Hank Azaria in the forthcoming movie Run Fatboy, Run. Did you while away hours getting him to do Simpsons voices?

S:
Absolutely – and he had no problems in doing it. Highlights were Mo and Professor Frink, my favourite characters. He didn’t get all fake-bashful about doing them, he plays up to it.

Last time we spoke you were both writing a sitcom about a pub quiz team – what happened to it?

N:
It was commissioned by Channel 4 but they started to make casting demands which held it up, then Shaun Of The Dead exploded and we had to put it in the fridge for a bit. It’s not been binned altogether because there’s some good material there, but it is shelved.

What are your pub quiz specialist subjects?

S:
Films.

N:
Geography and Hendrix.

Who would take big cats?

N:
Me.

We’ve actually played against you in a pub quiz in a boozer in north London.

S:
What was your team name?

“Pete Burns’ Lips”.

S:
Nick ate one of the urinal cakes from the toilets of that pub.

N:
It made me very ill. My favourite pub gag – if I know Simon is coming into the toilet shortly after me – is to go in, pull my trousers and pants down, sit in the urinal and pretend I’m doing a shit.

S:
Nine times out of ten it is me walking in after him, but every now and then some punter gets a horrible surprise.

 

 

If you were on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire who would be your celebrity phone-a-friends?

N:
Kevin Eldon [Fist Of Fun], Edgar Wright [director of Hot Fuzz], Mark Heep [Green Wing] and Bill Nighy.

S:
We could have given some huge names for that but we didn’t want to look like name-dropping knobheads.

Nick, in Hot Fuzz you fall through a fence brilliantly. Is there an art to doing comedy falls?

N:
Be confident, try not to think about it too much. But that stunt almost cost me my leg – I got a horrendous bruise from that.

S:
I’ve never seen anything performed that looked identical to how I pictured it when I wrote it, until that moment.

You had weapons tuition for the film, what was that like?

N:
Our armourers were very impressed by our firearms handling. Once during a scene my gun jammed, so I unjammed it, reloaded and fired in quick succession. Our armourer nearly came in his pants.

Did you get to go on a raid as preparation for the role?

N:
Yes, I was involved in the arrest of a suspected burglar. It was odd because I was only with one policeman and thought, “If this kicks off it’s just us two – I’m going to have to help out.”

S:
The worst I saw was a drive-by milk theft. We gave chase and got him.

Have you two ever had a fight?

N:
We almost came to blows in Miami. We were doing a Q&A after a screening of Shaun Of The Dead and it wasn’t going great so Simon bullied me into doing my monkey impression from Every Which Way But Loose. We had words but it didn’t get physical.

S:
Thank fuck.

Simon, you’re going to be in the film adaptation of How To Lose Friends And Alienate People. What’s the best way?

S:
Being a twat does the job. There’s a simple rule in life – whatever happens, under any circumstances, don’t be a twat. Just don’t.

You lived together for six years. What do you miss most about those days?

N:
Hand jobs on tap.

S:
There was a far more relaxed attitude to hygiene and drug use than there is living with my wife. Plus I missed coming home and finding ?Nick sprawled out, asleep with one monster glove on having just had a gigantic wank.

You were born on Valentine’s Day, Simon – are you a romantic man?

S:
Very much so. I’m a dreamer, I’m a schemer, I’m a midnight…

N:
Rimmer? I bought a girl a cabbage once, that wasn’t very romantic. Can we ask you a question?

Yes.

N:
When I read FHM I always wonder whether the erotic confessions of an ordinary woman are actual experiences of an actual woman. Or just your sick fantasies, young man…

It’s genuinely real.

N:
Wow. What. A. Woman.

Lastly, we need to sort out an office bet. Nick, you narrate Supernanny and you share the surname Frost with her. You also look similar. Are you related?

N:
How much have you got on it?

Twenty pounds says you’re not.

N:
Great news – we’re not related! Get the beers in!

Original interview by Tom Cullen in the March 2007 issue of FHM UK magazine