You need music, because it makes you happy. That’s all there is to it. And although the glory days of hanging round in town on a Saturday trying to get your pal to give you free Big Macs, failing to be funny in front of girls and buying an expensive CD single has dwindled, the need to download all the music in the world has risen. Here’s where it’s at this week:

1/ The biggie: Beyoncé – Sweet Dreams

Beyoncé has pretty much won at being a pop star. But like any great champion, she’s carrying on the winning with the ruthless destruction of a hungry crocodile. Yeah, we reckon we’re the first people to compare Beyoncé to a crocodile. And we’d like to offer her some extra kudos for the squelchy bass intro to Sweet Dreams that she swiped from Michael Jackson’s Beat It. If that doesn’t stink of conspiracy theory, we don’t know what does. (Sorry about the rubbish video, Sony are being no-videos-on-YouTube gits.)

2/ The one with that twat from Busted: Fightstar – Never Change

This is exactly as bad as you think. It’s quite funny though, watching Charlie from Busted try and be in a proper band. He’s thinking: “Hey, look, I’m not in that shit band Busted anymore, I’m in this well good serious rock band Fightstar who don’t just write stupid songs about girls”. And everyone else is thinking: “Sod off Charlie, you smug git, you’ve had your chance, go and be a painter and decorator or something, we’ve got McFly now.”

3/ The one that will improve your life: Fever Ray – Triangle Walks

Nothing about Fever Ray will make your life worse. She’s Karin Dreijer Andersson, one half of Swedish duo The Knife, and Triangle Walks uses panpipes like it’s the most normal thing in the world. But don’t worry, she’s not Enya. Enya would sell droplets of her own baby’s melted liver to be half as good as Fever Ray.

4/ The cheesy dance hit: Mr Hudson feat Kanye West – Supernova

No one, not even Mr Hudson, can stop Kanye West using his Auto-Tune device. And he’s even made Mr Hudson do it on Supernova, which is eerie. Aside from the video, we find it’s fun to imagine Mr Hudson is an old man who wears a flat cap, green chords and braces, has slightly greying hair and spends all day gardening. But he only has a fork. No spade. Poor Mr Hudson. Give him a biscuit.

5/ The one with Holly Valance in the video: Frankmusik – Confusion Girl

Holly Valance is by far the best thing in the video for Confusion Girl, and all she does is walk and beat up a geezer who tries to mug her. Vincent Frank, meanwhile, dicks about like a singing weirdo in a novelty tweed jacket, purple shoes, brown trousers and a terrible haircut watching people play basketball and pretending to fly. Then, right, at the end of the song, he meets Holly Valance on top of a hill like it’s something he does all the time… and necks her. Nightmare.