Remember Whitney Houston? Well she’s back and she’s 45 and she’s hotter than Madonna. And that’s more impressive than it sounds, given that Whitney is known to have been prone to tugging on party pipes with her good friend Bobby Brown back in the day. Madonna just goes to the gym loads. What can we conclude from this entirely accurate and scientific comparison of two different-aged women with totally different lifestyles? That crack is good for you. Hooray!

1/ The comeback! Back! Back! Back!: Whitney Houston – Million Dollar Bill

So. Whitney. Whitney ‘The Bodyguard’ Houston. Whitney ‘Bobby Brown’ Houston. Whitney ‘everyone knows she was on crack’ Houston. Yeah, her. She’s back! And Million Dollar Bill sounds like a watered down version of a song by the very brilliant female singer Feist. Excitingly, although she’s old now (45), she looks like her skin might actually be glowing and like elephants might have died to get her teeth that white. Please note: we will almost certainly never mention Whitney Houston again on FHM.com.

2/ The band who might make it, one day: Wild Beasts – All The King’s Men

These dudes do a fine line in gaspy, pretty indie music that if the world wasn’t a place occupied by thieves and vagabonds would have propelled them into the mainstream by now. But it hasn’t, and instead, Chip-feckin'-munk is all over the charts, X-bleedin'-Factor owns your soul and people still insist on buying U2 records. It makes no sense. It’s like the whole world would rather eat stale bread than chow down a new exciting kind of loaf that tastes of bliss and angels. Come on world.

3/ This week’s most impressively sick video: The Hickey Underworld – Blonde Fire

The video to Blonde Fire is MENTAL. Look! It’s full of corpses and art and mutilation-in-reverse all performed by a man who looks methodical and sort of normal (for an artist). It’s probably inspired by Ed Gein, because anything half-decent that involves doing weird stuff with skin (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Silence of the Lambs) usually does, and to be fair to Gein, he was a top notch murderer. Not for numbers (a below-average two), but he scores very highly in the ‘weird’ category.

4/ The old-school electropop heroes: Saint Etienne – Only Love Can Break Your Heart

RERELEASE ALERT. And butter our arse if it isn’t a classic. It’s a cover/remix of a Neil Young song of course, and it’s by an English indie dance act who share their name with a football team from France who have a green home kit. We’re not making this up. Some guy we know called Harold has one and he wears it all the time. Too much, if anything. It’s covered in his favourite meal (liver and onions) and we’re always on at him to wash it but when he gets annoyed he shits on our pillows and wipes it about with a paintbrush so we just let him get on with it. Anyway: GREAT TUNE.

5/ Let the fun times begin: Crookers featuring Kardinal Offishall & Carla-Marie – Put Your Hands On Me

This is a pure party banger about doing girls and dancing, because that’s what partying is all about. Unless you’re a heterosexual girl, in which case doing boys is where you’re at. But whatever! The joy is in the doing and dancing. Do as Crookers do. Do whoever you want (so long as they consent), dance with whoever you please (ditto) and don’t go home until you can’t move because you can feel the little bit of sick in the back of your throat that’s waiting to go all over the guy who’s looking after the coats in the cloakroom.