1/ Akiko Matsuura from Comanechi
According to a chap on our picture desk, Akiko Matsuura is flippin’ mental. She’s currently, sporadically, in actually-quite-famous-now band The Big Pink, as well as the less famous but better named Sperm Javelin. She’s Japanese, clearly, and her band really bring the DOOM, like on their single My Pussy. It didn’t do very well in the charts.
2/ Romily Alice from Japanese Voyeurs
Romily Alice’s job as front lady of Japanese Voyeurs is to sing like some kind of peroxide blonde devil child over her band’s heavily distorted sort-of-a-bit-like-grunge vibe, which is way better than doing telesales.
3/ Eva Spence from Rolo Tomassi
Eva Spence is the lead singer of Rolo Tomassi. She has the ability to scream in a way that makes the fellas in Slayer sound like they’re still grappling with puberty, and when she sings in a style that your mum would agree was singing, she makes Mariah Carey sound gruff.
4/ Rachel-Mary Callaghan from Kasms
No lead singer of any band ever has resembled a fireball as much as Rachel-Mary Callaghan, a lady who spends as much time hurtling around the stage when her band plays live as she does singing songs that’re called thing like Male Bonding, Bone You and Taxidermy. She is the opposite of subtle.
5/ Alejandra Deheza and Claudia Deheza from School of Seven Bells
Alejandra and Claudia Deheza used to be in a band called On! Air! Library!, which is pretty great. Their current band is named after a mythical South American pickpocket training academy, which is also pretty cool. They both play guitar and walk around with amazing thick black hair looking like they might enjoy what you could probably describe as ‘whimsy’.
6/ All of The Coathangers
The Coathangers are built entirely of women and the song in this video is called Nestle In My Boobies. Julia Kugel, Stephanie Luke, Candice Jones and Meredith Franco are all, quite clearly, keenly aware of the only thing that can make men fall asleep as quickly as a kitten inside a wicker basket full of blankets, warm milk, a hot water bottle and loads of really strong sedatives mixed in with its food.
7/ Elisa Ambrogio from Magik Markers
“Her hair. Her hair. Her hair. Her hair. Her hair,” is the answer we’d expect to get if we asked someone who knew who Elisa Ambrogio was: “What’s your favourite thing about Elisa Ambrogio’s appearance?”
8/ Sian Ahern from Sian Alice Group
Sian Ahern provides the dainty singing for the London band she appears to be named after her. It might sound egotistical, but when you consider her band mates are called Rupert and Ben it was really the only way to go without being called Keane, Coldplay, Oasis or something else dumb.
9/ All of Ipso Facto
Rosalie Cunningham, Samantha Valentine, Victoria Smith and Cherish Kaya make up Ipso Facto, a gang of ladies who rock jet black bobs and stand around in old houses looking freakin’ cool and playing the organ. IT'S THE FUTURE OF ENTERTAINMENT.
10/ All of Warpaint
In some pictures of Emily Kokal, Jennifer Lindberg and Theresa Wayman they look like they’re having a great time holding flowers and shouting. Kind of like Alan Titchmarsh but not complete dicks. Only joking. We love that guy. He is to gardening what Sir Alan Sugar is to business. He makes it acceptable, and something you’d rather watch on TV than contemplate doing yourself. But not Warpaint. They love that gardening shit.
11/ St Vincent
She’s not a band exactly, but she sure is beautiful. Excellently we have absolutely no idea what her name is and we might just keep it that way. Like, who needs names, man? We’ just give ourselves numbers here at FHM. When our editorial assistant introduces work experience people to us lot at the FHM.com desk it sounds like she’s trying to re-enact a scene from Record Breakers. She never breaks any records though. And Kriss Akabusi never shows up. And neither does lovely lovely Cheryl Baker.