Madonna, Speech Debelle, Joy Orbison, Fuck Buttons and Alberta Cross are the top acts invited to Singles Club this week, and they’ve all showed up. In return, flick your lights off, put your cats in the cupboard, get completely naked and listen to these hits with the volume up and your minds open. Then celebrate, just for the hell of it. Guzzle some champagne, wreak some havoc, tell someone you love them. ROCK. HUGS. BED.

1/ The comeback: Madonna – Celebration

The big image at the top of this article is a splendid example of how good Madonna looked when she was young, and also of what she still thinks she can look like if she works out hard enough. We're not being mean, we’re just aware of the ageing process. We all have a mum, we know a middle-aged women when we see one, and we think Madonna should grow old gracefully. Like Liz Hurley. She won’t though, she’ll just release more toss like this and show off her pants loads on the video. UGH.

2/ The lady of the moment: Speech Debelle - Spinnin’

So she won the Mercury Prize last week, and now Speech Debelle’s got a new single out. That’s how the world works these days, and that’s how consumers work these days. If she released a single in, say, two months, you’d already have forgotten about her because memory spans don’t exist anymore thanks to computer games, the internet, too much information, excessive drug use and rubbish schools. Yeah, we’re getting political on your ass. Sort of.

3/ Best band name of the week: Fuck Buttons – Surf Solar

What’s a fuck button? Who cares! Not us, because Surf Solar is causing cataclysmic damage to our minds as we write (in a good way), and all we want to tell you is that the long  and proper version of this song (which is on the upcoming album Tarot Sport) is better than the short version, in the same way that jamming both your arms full of lovely heroin is significantly more pleasurable than taking herbal highs.

4/ Best solo artist name of the week: Joy Orbison – Hyph Myngo

This song is very good and will cleanse you of all your woes. It’s not a hit, is unlikely to soundtrack Match of the Day anytime soon and probably isn't making Taio Cruz worry about this week's number one spot, but in the land where the best dubstep tunes utilise solid song structure, soulful female vocals and repetitive synths, Joy Orbison is king. And he’s called Joy Orbison, which is the definition of wit.

5/ The band with a name like a lady: Alberta Cross – AFX

It’s just some guys with long hair and hats hanging out, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Alberta Cross have the kind of energy Kings of Leon used to boast about, before all the free girls turned them in moaning little wombles. Go on Alberta Cross, bring the rock. Then maybe get a hair cut and but some new t-shirts.

Have a delve into the FHM Singles Club archive, why don't you.