Miley Cyrus, Robbie Williams, Windmill, Foo Fighters and Micachu & The Shapes are the stars in what can only be described as a fairly average week for singles. It’s what Stephen Gateley would have wanted. Actually, it probably isn’t. That guy loved hit singles. It’s certainly not what Kurt Cobain would have wanted, and watching his ex-bandmate Dave Grohl cock it all up like a corporate sell-out money-making numpty from all the way down there in rock god hell must be a bloody nightmare. But we guess he’s ripping it up with Jimi Hendrix and Sid Vicious, so he’s probably not that bothered.

1/ Like Emma Watson, it feels weird to even try and fancy her: Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA

Haha. Miley Cyrus. At the time of writing she is six weeks away from turning 18-years-old and yet it seems to have been acceptable to leer at her on the internet for absolutely ages. This is wrong. This is all wrong. But, she’s already worth upwards of $25 million and this song is off an EP called The Times of Our Lives which is being released as a Wal-Mart exclusive, so she doesn’t exactly need protecting from the big bad world because she’s already sucked so far into it there’s no way she’ll emerge in tact. So these might just be the glory years.

2/ The hugely successful, opinion dividing, ultimate pop star: Robbie Williams – Bodies

Robbie Williams is tricky. He is in some ways the most hateable man alive with his stupid face, bad music, belief he’s an actual rock star, and the generation of shit idiots who worship him. But then again, when we read an article earlier this year about how he’d moved to LA, bought a football team, got fat, grown an enormous beard and become one of those people who goes out UFO spotting we developed twangs of affection for him. But now he’s back. And despite doing his fairly endearing I-am-not-in-urgent-need-of-some-fairly-severe-psychological-help impression on X Factor this week, Bodies is balls so it looks like its back to hate for us. Just for now. Probably not forever. He’ll grow that beard back and go totally insane sooner than you think.

3/ This week’s most pleasant surprise: Windmill – Big Boom

Lovely tune, this. Kind of bonkers in a David Bowie sort of way. Kind of really chirpy in a Polyphonic Spree sort of way. Kind of summery in the sort of the way the UK isn’t right now, which is a smart move by Windmill. They’re giving us every possible excuse to cling to the sunny months that we never make the most of but always look forward to. Good name too. Windmills rule.

4/ The band relying sickeningly heavily on past glories: Foo Fighters – Wheels

We had no idea how bad the Foo Fighters had become. Being dubbed the nicest man in rock by someone who'd clearly taken way too much ecstasy has allowed Dave Grohl to get away with churning out a whole load of shite music. Being in Nirvana probably helped too, but Kurt Cobain would kill himself all over again if he ever heard this, and he’d do it harder. This is the most mind-bendingly and pointlessly dull song we’ve ever heard from a band who epitomise hyper-cak enormous rock bands who are so lazy and confident in their own brand they think they can churn out any old toss and people will buy it anyway. This is a new Foo Fighers low. DO NOT BUY THIS SINGLE. PLEASE.

5/ The outsider: Micachu & The Shapes – Turn Me Well

Nice little mind burp here from the lady who calls herself Micachu and her band who call themselves The Shapes. It’s not the kind of thing you’d put on at a party, mainly because the first ten seconds are just the sound of a hoover. But after that it’s all bleepy and lo-fi and weird and spinny and floaty, and then the drums get going and it’s kind of dreamy and the lady Micachu makes all kind of weird faces.