"You've got a nerve to be asking a favour, you've got a nerve to be calling my number."

SINGLES:

1/ The rapper-actor-singer: Plan B – Stay Too Long

Plan B (aka Ben Drew) doesn’t dick about. First he was a rapper. Then he was an actor. Now, on Stay Too Long, he’s a soul-singer who’s still a rapper and he wants to do both, please, plus a spot of acting in the video, thanks, which is all a bit silly really. If we’d been there when he was suggesting he should do everything he’s good at all at the same time, we’d have said: “One thing at a time Ben, yeah?” But then what the fuck do we know?

2/ The has-beens (part one): So Solid Crew – Since You Went Away

You know you’re in trouble when you have to reference your own 2001 mega-hit (21 Seconds) in your new song (Since You Went Away) to try and remind people who the bloody hell you are. So Solid Crew’s days at the forefront of grime are long gone. They should just doff their lovely caps to Dizzee and Wiley, accept the dream is over and go get a dog and a house with an Aga and an apple tree or something.

3/ The future (part one): These New Puritans – We Want War

This is exactly the kind of music that skinny hip kids should be making in 2010. Menacing, awkward, long, not radio-friendly in anyway. That’s what we want. This is music to stomp around in the dark too. This is music for late night exploration. Hood up, frown on, Ginsters pasty in one hand, banana flavoured Yazoo in the other and no intention of talking to anyone because no one in the stupid real world can even handle this vibe.

4/ The future (part two): Yeasayer – Ambling Alp

It’s such a gamble releasing quality singles in January. The key concern is: will anyone remember it when they’re making their Best of 2010 lists in December? Yeasayer must be one of four things. 1/ Confident that Ambling Alp is good enough to hold everyone’s attention until Christmas. 2/ Convinced they have other songs that are at least this good. 3/ Not bothered about Best of 2010 lists. 4/ Idiots.

5/ The has-beens (part two): Madness – Forever Young

Dear Suggs, Please stop now, This won’t end well, Sorry, Thanks, FHM.

6/ The shambles: Jay-Z & Mr Hudson – Young Forever

Jay-Z is damn lucky he’s already made loads of amazing music because Young Forever is easily the worst thing he’s ever done. Just… go home Jay. Forget about it. We all make mistakes and let’s face it, you were due one. As for you, Mr Hudson, you can just… get lost forever, you dick. The only good thing about this song is that FHM was at the Alexandra Palace gig that’s used in the video to try and generate feelings of ‘excitement’. And that makes us feel kind of special.