“I’m not your friend, and I never was.”

SINGLES:

1/ Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce – Telephone

Before Lady Gaga came along, Beyonce was the best pop star alive. Now Lady Gaga is the best pop star alive and Beyonce’s had the good sense to team up with her because, you know, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. The only problem is they’re basically ruining pop for everyone by being so bloody good at it. When Gaga’s gone, we’ll be left with nothing. We never thought we’d say that when those cock rumours started flying around.

Check out Aloud.com for Lady Gaga and Beyonce tickets.

2/ Cheryl Cole – Parachute

Poor Cheryl. So sad. Poor Cheryl’s music. So bad.

3/ Four Tet – Sing

When we were young and dumb, we used to think dance music was inferior to rock music in every day. We’d say stuff like “no skill involved”, “so repetitive” and “it’s just noise” even though the only guitar music we listened to was Oasis and the only dance music we listened to was The Outhere Brothers. These days, we tend to find good dance music the best kind of music, because of people like Four Tet and songs like Sing.

4/ Jamie T – Emily’s Heart

He’s a GEEZER, don’t you know, from Wimbledon. But it’s nice to see he’s expanded his repertoire somewhat from the booze, fags, being a GEEZER and smoking pot that were all ever-present in the early part of his career. They’ll make a Billy Bragg out of him yet.

If you fancy seeing Jamie T live, go to Aloud.com.

5/ Laura Marling – Devil’s Spoke

Laura Marling’s rocking the mysterious, slightly tribal pirate vibe that Alela Diane’s been rocking for a year or two. To be fair to both of them, they both excel at it and Devil’s Spoke is proof that Laura Marling and not bloody La Roux, not bloody Ellie Goulding, not Florence and her bloody Machine, not Marina and her bloody Diamonds and definitely not bloody Little Boots is the most talented female solo artist that isn’t Lady Gaga doing the rounds right now.

Go to Aloud.com for Laura Marling tickets.