Sugababes, Jay-Z, Kings Of Leon, The Prodigy and Dolly Rockers have put time aside to make this week amazing for you. So in return it’s essential you turn your lights off, put your cat in its cupboard, get naked and listen to these five tunes with the volume up and your minds open so wide you couldn’t fill them with a million balloons inflated by a sweaty man.

1/ The biggie, part one: Sugababes – Get Sexy

Back! Back! Back! We love a comeback. This, however, makes the mistake of doing a weird Right Said Fred I’m Too Sexy pastiche, which is wholly unacceptable. The rest is good though, and it’s about how sexy they all are which is pretty arrogant but kind of cool, and it’ll probably go to number one unless Jay Z does instead.

2/ The biggie, part two: Jay-Z featuring Rihanna and Kanye West – Run This Town

Back! Back! Back! The big dog! The king! The guy that everyone talked about loads before Kanye West came along! Which is most likely why Kanye’s in this video. Keep your enemies closer, and all that. Jay-Z is like the U2 of hip-hop these days. He just doesn’t seem real with his loads of money, his trophy Beyoncé and his silly baggy jeans. He’s good though. Good at rapping. All Bono’s good at is being a twat.

3/ The biggie, part three: Kings Of Leon – Sex On Fire

This must be a rerelease or some bollocks. It’s been around for ages, no? And what does “this sex is on fire” even mean? Isn’t that bad? Wouldn’t that hurt? Jesus these guys are boring. Good beards though. And Caleb Followill has a proper good voice that, unfortunately for him, has nothing on Jack White’s shrill screeching so, you know, who cares?

4/ The dinosaurs of dance: The Prodigy – Take Me To The Hospital

It’s true what they say: no one does The Prodigy like The Prodigy. They’re like Tony Blair, except Blair has no interest in bringing monstrously heavy electronica to the table, wearing vests or pretending he’s still 25. Take Me To The Hospital features one of Keith Flint’s least inspired vocals: “Along came a spider / He was creepy like Dracula” but overall, it’s basically banging.

5/ The future (maybe): Dolly Rockers – Gold Digger

Is this good? It’s impossible to tell. Dolly Rockers can’t really sing, but that’s fine. And they look like they love being annoying-but-sweet, but that’s great. And they like dressing up all anti-fancy in ripped tights and grubby dresses, and they break stuff and wreak havoc and don’t care if you or we hate them because… sod us. Who cares about us? Dolly Rockers don’t. They care about bubblegum pop.