This is our “Ultimate” Issue, what’s the best thing you’ve bought with your newfound millions?
With the wage from my movie – which was 12 million tenge, equivalent to almost 40 English pound – I bought a new cage for my brother, Bilo. He is a retard with small head and over 200 teeth, 160 in mouth, 40 in nose. He is sex crazy, all day long in his cage he rub, rub, rub!
Is it true that since you’ve made Kazakhstan famous, women are now allowed to ride on buses and homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats?
Yes, and also the age of consent has been raised to 11, the fine for killing a wife have gone up to 800 tenge and we now has democracy, although in Kazakh elections, winner not man with most votes, but the candidate who can suspend the heaviest weight from his testes satchel. Our present leader can suspend a car battery for almost eight seconds! Our capital Almaty now also has thriving community of black peoples. Their make-up so good, they look almost exact like genuine Africans.
You say that women should not have the right to vote. Why so?
It would be very dangerous to allow this. Everyone know the story of Ludmilla Buletnambayev, the woman who read a book. Her brain overheat and she go crazy and kill her husband and childrens. We say in Kazakhstan that to give womans vote is like to give monkeys guns. We do not do this since 2003 Astana Zoo massacre.
Would you like your sons to follow your career path into the media?
Yes, my 11-year-old son Hueylewis is already an actor in the Kazakh version of Teletubbies. He have not do this long and still get nervous when he performs, particularly during the sex scenes. I do not know why, he have a magnificent charm – circumference 12cm, and should be proud to show it to the other childrens.
Your first wife was tragically shot by a huntsman who thought she was a bear. Tell us about this dark period…
I was getting a mouth party from a prostitute when I get a message from my neighbour Nursultan Tulyakbay, that he had shoot a very large bear. I immediate leave my sister and return home, where I was very angry to find out he had shoot my wife. This made me in a temper, because I was look forward to eat bear meat that night.
Did you avenge her death?
No, we are civilised peoples and these matters is dealt with by courts. They found him guilty, which meant he had to pay me maximum compensation of a half box of assorted chocolates.
Have you sought therapy to move on from this tragedy?
It was not tragedy, the chocolates was a very delicious.
Why is there no Kazakhstani FHM?
I not know as it would do good there.
If you were editor of FHM Kazakhstan, who would you put on the cover?
Lily Utmarkan – she is the ex-Olympic journalist who now work in Kazakh State Circus. It would be of her most famous pose, where she put one foot in mouth, and other deep in vagine.
What is your best sex move?
My favourite is “doggy style”, when the man stand up naked from behind and the dog stand in front of him.
You’ve been widely accused of anti-Semitism, what do you make of these accusations of racism?
Yes, is true. Thank you. High five.
Any regrets about your song Throw The Jew Down The Well?
Yes, I am very unhappy with quality of the guitar playing.
Tell us three facts nobody else knows about the Borat movie.
This movie already been release in Kazakhstan and was blockbusterings! It open on all seven of our screens and take top spot from Hollywood movie King Kong – which had been number one film in Kazakhstan ever since it was release in 1934. Also Kazakhstan TV was close down for eight months during filming, since we had priorities to use our country’s camera. Last, the film prove very controversial in my country because of amount of anti-semitism it contain. Eventually Kazakh censor decide there was just enough and allow its release.
Have you prepared your Oscar speech yet?
It depend what it is for. If I receivings Oscar for Best Physical Strength, I will be use same speech I make when Premier Nazarbayez give me trophy for suspendings a car battery from my testes longer than any other man in my village. But if I receive Oscar for Best Anti-Jew Warrior, I will be ask Mel Gibsons to accept on my behalfs.
Why do you hate Uzbekistan so much?
They is a very nosey peoples who has a bone in the middle of their heads.
Your lime green swimsuit caused much joy in the FHM office. Where can we get one?
This bathesuits was official costume of 2004 Kazakh Olympic Swimmings Team. It can be made purchase in new Kazakh Supermall, “Almaty Shopcity”, in either of the two stores there.
How do you stop an outfit like that simply disappearing inside of you?
Normal it fine because my anoos is tight (it fourth tightest in my village and can remove lid of Pepsi Max bottle). But one time I eat 43 packet of beef jerkies in one hour and next day when I wear costume I have problem since my anoos was hang loose like mouth of tired dog.
Who has been the angriest Kazakh you’ve ever come across?
I think it was me after particular bad Gypsy attack. They steal my wife’s plough and touch my horse in a bad way. He was depress for months after.
How long does it take to grow your moustache?
As child I was tease a lot about my moustache as it did not appear until I was nine-year-old – people thought it would never arrive! It still grow very slow and if I cut it off first thing of day, it take all morning for it to come back. Fastest in my village was my first wife – if she shave her face, by the time she had finish, it would have grow back in the place she started. She now dead. I did not kill her.
Which other celebrity lip ticklers do you most admire – Ned Flanders, Tom Selleck or Joseph Stalin?
I very much admires moustache of ladies man, Freddie Mercury. People say I very much resembles him – in fact in Almaty’s annual “Who Look Most Like Freddie Mercury” competition this year, I come number four out of over 250,000 entrant!
Is it true you were once engaged to a goat?
No, we was just good friend.
Have you ever accidentally murdered anyone?
Yes, of course.
There are many rumours circulating on the internet suggesting you might be a bisexual. Would you ever have sex with a man?
I would never have sexytime with a man who is also a homosexual. Recent I watch a moviefilm name Brokeback Mountains in cinema. One day later my friend Viktor Hotelier inform me that this film was about homosexuals. Knowing this fact, the scene where one of the cowboys makes romance in the other’s anoos took on whole new meaning to me.
Would you wax your balls if a lady asked you to?
First, I would not do anything a lady asked me to do. Second, only time in Kazakhstan people remove hair from pubis is for infestation of kratzouli or for use to make wool and knit gloves.
Finally, what is your most expensive ever purchase?
My first wife. She cost 15 litre of insecticide and was not worth even half of that. I did not kill her.
Original interview by Tom Cullen in the December 2006 issue of FHM UK magazine