1/ You Have Been Watching

When:
Tuesday, 10pm Channel 4

Why should I watch it?
Charlie Brooker is incredibly good at finding loads of different ways to rant about TV. This time it’s on Channel 4, which has beaten the BBC to taking the gamble of putting Brooker on proper terrestrial TV rather than Freeview. But he’s not doing anything massively new on You Have Been Watching, and in between the ‘quiz’ bits of the show where Brooker talks a bit to his guests (tonight: Jamelia, Rufus Hound and Richard Herring) before telling them what he thinks, there are these little segments which are exactly like Screenwipe.

Of course, Brooker’s mind is dark and inventive so he does get his guests to do weird stuff (like getting Jamelia to call Kelvin Mckenzie a “cunt”). But despite being a strong contender for this generation’s favourite writer, Brooker’s in danger of suffering from imagination overkill, and this programme reeks of being made for people in the media. He does relentlessly rip into the media though, which is nice, despite being paid by the media, which is funny, because everyone hates the media, especially people who work in the media.

Show me where:
Watch it on 4oD.

2/ Life Class: Today’s Nude

When:
Friday, 12.30pm Channel 4

Why should I watch it?
Channel 4 have always taken risks. The most controversial TV programme of recent times has been Big Brother which, whatever you think of it, has got enough headlines to justify its existence ten times over. So now they’ve put naked women on TV in the middle of the day. But it’s art, see. And artist Alan Kane has set himself the task of teaching stay-at-home mums and the unemployed how to draw the naked human body. It’s all live, so you follow Kane’s commentary as he draws. And all the subjects are actually naked, and half of them are women. The only problem is you have to be careful which episode you choose. It's awesome when they're drawing fashion models like Kirsten Varley, above. But one false move and you’ll be faced with an old naked man lying down and staring vacantly into the distance. It’ll be like that day at the fairground that went wrong, all over again.

Show me where:
Watch it on 4oD.

3/ Celebrity Masterchef: The Final

When:
Friday, 8.30pm Channel 4

Why should I watch it?
Jayne Middlemiss cooking veal Vs Iwan Thomas cooking fish Vs Wendi Peters cooking turbot. This is epic. This is intense. This is the modern world gone mad. However, we’re not going to complain about the dubious celebrity status that these three have attained. Instead we’re going to have a little dream about how good Celebrity Masterchef would be if they got proper celebrities. Russell Crowe cooking eggs Vs Madonna cooking spaghetti carbonara Vs David Beckham cooking pancakes. That would be great.

So would Masterchef with real chefs. Ramsay, Blumenthal and Blanc going head-to-head to be judged by shouty John and shouty Gregg would be winning TV. Plus, we’ve always thought it’s a bit weird how all the contestants get so bloody emotional just because they fried a scallop. ‘OMG! I’M NOT A SPAZ!’ is basically what they’re saying. But for now, ex-teenage fantasy Middlemiss and her fragile, pale-skinned, charming Geordie ways will have to do. We want her to win. GO JAYNE.

Show me where:
Watch it on BBC iPlayer.