You’re in one another’s pockets 24-7; do you hate each other with a passion?

David:
I wouldn’t say it’s hate but yeah, we don’t seek each other out between filming.

Robert:
[Sarcastically] Ooh, I really must see more of David. I must ring him and see if he’d like to hang out.

D:
You know… catch up.

What really niggles you about each other then?

D:
It really is best if we don’t say. If I point out what it is about him that exasperates me, Rob will go, “I knew that you were annoyed about that and now I’m annoyed that you were annoyed.”

R:
Both of us have to try hard not to deliberately wind each other up, as there’s so much we do accidentally that drives each other mad.

Have you ever had a fully blown row?

D:
No, we’re not having-it-all-out types. Some people will go off and scream at each other to clear the air. If we did, it would end with, “You know what, forget it. Forget everything!”

R:
Then I’d never speak to him again.

We don’t want that. Tell us what you love about each other before this interview goes very wrong?

D:
[Fidgets nervously during very awkward silence]

R:
Blimey. It’s too early in the morning for this.

D:
You need 20 years of context really.

R:
We have reached that point now haven’t we? Just a point blank refusal to say anything nice about each other.

Oh God. Somebody tell a joke.

D:
What’s red and sits in the corner? A naughty bus. I like that one because you think that it could be rude or some sort of peeled baby.

In your new movie Magicians, Rob’s character is loosely based on Derren Brown. If you had Derren’s “powers” what would you do first?

R:
I would move objects about via telekinetic force. Like I don’t have to use forks any more, I can just float my food to my mouth using my massive brain.

D:
I’d fear that. No one’s going to take you seriously again. They’ll say, “Yeah well of course he’s got a comedy show on BBC2, he can move things with his mind!” I’d argue back that I have written some very good material. “But you moved the keyboard with evil sorcery!”

Your character, David, has a fear of flying. Do you have any phobias?

D:
I basically fear new things and anything that might be dangerous. So I don’t want to go skiing because I’ll die and don’t want to go to Australia because I’ll be bitten by a spider.

R:
I’m not happy being in more than a bath full of water. Not very happy in water at all. I can sort of swim a bit, but in an inefficient and therefore exhausting way. I can do a length of a small pool before I start to panic.

There’s also a bloke in your film who is obsessed with jizz.

D:
To be precise, it’s jizz quantity that he is obsessed with. And that has to be admired really. We live in a capitalist society, so what better way to rate sex. Loads of jizz means it’s great. Not a lot of jizz is not so great.

What’s the biggest amount of jizz you’ve ever seen then?

D:
Not a lot of jizz.

R:
Just the standard amount.

D:
I’m not aware of ever seeing anyone else’s. I’ve seen my own, I’ll admit that, but I’m not saying what the circumstances were.

R:
I’m guessing it was just the once, and you didn’t like it, did you?

D:
No.

 

 

What’s the funniest thing that has ever happened during the filming of Peep Show?

D:
Can I say a well-scripted gag? The thing about Peep Show is they’re always trying to squeeze more into the schedule than we could possibly do. It’s an extremely stressful, intense time. Any idea that we are riffing gags, ad-libbing or having fun is wrong.

R:
It’s all, “Do this now, you shit!”

Nobody putting poo in a runner’s coffee for laughs?

D:
Well, there was one practical joke once, during series three but it didn’t work. The props department had made this big postbox and Olivia Colman’s character was supposed to post my “guidebook” to piss me off. We start filming and I can clearly see our art director sitting in the postbox. I’m thinking, “Oh right, he’s in there to catch the book.” So we get to the bit of the scene where Olivia pops the book in the hole and suddenly the postbox stands up and runs down the street laughing hysterically. We were like, “Well, why’s he done that? We better film this scene again.”

R:
He was under the impression that he couldn’t be seen and that we would all go into deep shock that the postbox was moving. “Ahh, Jesus Christ! A moving postbox!” Hilarious.

Our naive stylist just tried to jazz up your hair for our photos. Are you often under pressure to look cooler?

R:
I usually give out the vibe that I’m comfortably in charge with what I do with my hair but David hits problems.

D:
Let’s face it – your hair lady was being a bit silly. Do I look like the kind of man who wants a cool scruffy look? Do these people think I actively try to look cool? Have I picked these BHS clothes out of stupidity, not because I actually enjoy dressing like a Nigerian taxi driver?

The last time you were in FHM, David, you said that fame doesn’t help you pull women. Has that changed?

D:
[Defeatedly] No.

Even though you’re more famous?

D:
Well actually, when we went on tour there was a girl who wanted to do me. She gave me a photograph of herself with her phone number on the back. It struck me as the behaviour of a weirdo, so I elected not to call.

R:
She was scary.

D:
If you’re pulling someone just because you’re famous, it’s pretty low. You do get sex but you also become filled with self-loathing.

Was she hot though?

D:
Yes, I would say she was attractive.

R:
No she wasn’t!

D:
Hang on, let’s get this straight, she was a good-looking lady.

R:
Yeah, in a psychopath kind of way! One who wants to fuck you while her dad watches.

D:
Her dad was there actually, that was a bit odd. Go on daughter, try to get off with that comedian. You have my full support.

 

 

Aside from the groupie, do you get on well with your fans?

R:
Most of our fans aren’t mental. I had a bit of dogshit in the post once but that’s it. If people want to say, “Hello, I like Peep Show, bye,” then that’s probably… nice.

D:
Most of the people who come over to me are drunk blokes in the pub. They go, “Can you settle something for me. My friend just said you’re off the telly and I reckon you’re not.” It’s always the one who reckons you’re not that comes over.

R:
Matt King who plays Super Hans in Peep Show has had a few problems with fans too.

Why’s that?

R:
Well people can never quite get his name right. It’s like, “I love you, Sugar Hands.” It’s quite annoying for him.

D:
He was at a Christmas carol concert once, an outdoor, Salvation Army type affair – really nice. It’s all Christmassy, he’s taken his wife and little son, it’s snowing, people are pretending it’s the nineteenth century…

R:
…Then there are a couple of pissed blokes at the back, and one of them goes, “Look! It’s Scissor Hands!” mid-song. His mate then screams, “It’s Super Hans you cunt!”

D:
“Super Hans, you utter, utter cunt. I can’t take you out anywhere! We come to a carol concert and you’re being a cunt in front of all these kids.”

Finally, if you make billions from your movie, what will you buy first?

D:
I would like a house with a room big enough to play table tennis in.

R:
A massive house with a study in the roof and a terrace up there where I can sit when it’s nice outside.

Maybe with some kind of telescope?

R:
Yeah, so I can spy on him playing table tennis. Dear diary, today David played table tennis – again.

D:
There was loads of jizz.

Original interview by Lee Coan in the May 2007 issue of FHM UK magazine