Fashion is important. In the words of Mark Twain ‘clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.’ Ok, while we admit that this is only partially true – nakedness has an overwhelming influence on society – clothes do matter.
They can make or break you; on a job interview, a blind date, meeting the parents, or the mortgage lenders and most crucially, when you’re a celebrity. However, after gathering the paparazzi fodder for this list of the most heinous crimes of fashion we conclude; money does not buy good taste or dignity.
1/ Prince Harry - Nazi costume
Harry, Harry. When will he learn that getting pissed up in Nazi paraphernalia makes Britain look like a nation of politically insensitive scumbags? After being dubbed ‘Harry the Nazi’ on the front of The Sun, I think poor ginger nut got the message.
2/ David Beckham - miscellaneous
David Beckham is declared not guilty of the following crimes after it has become evident that he was forced against his will to make such hideous misjudgements: Matching spousal leather get up, no socks with a crisp tailored suit, sarong, ponytail, white suit, pants. A nutritionally deprived robot has been brought in for questioning.
3/ Jonathan Ross – his colour combinations make us feel nauseous
It’s not been a good year has it Wossy? After losing £1.5 million, his BBC Radio 2 show and damaging his already pretty sordid reputation it looked like game over for the once irritatingly popular TV host. But now Friday Night with Jonathan Ross is back on air, it feels like he never went away. What a shame. Hopefully, now that he’s got his old job back, he can finally afford a decent stylist.
a) It’s not funny (unless your Jimmy Bullard)
b) You’d have to run as fast as a cheetah to pull them off.
5/ Britney Spears – bald ambition
Apart from the time she did the pink bra top, goth hair, fish nets, and cowboy boots combo, ‘bald Britney’ was probably her ugliest moment. We cringed as we witnessed the perfect popstar crash and burn before our prying eyes. But, like the metaphorical phoenix from the flames, she emerged all shiny and new. After several serious makeovers, boot camp, and a selection of weird and wonderful hairpieces she enjoyed surprising success with her recent albums Blackout and Circus. Everybody loves a celebrity comeback.
The 68 year old welsh crooner has made the best or the worst decision of his life. He’s dished the lacquered black afro in favour of his unusual self. Jones turned up at a recent Polish award ceremony looking older than ever with grey locks and beard. Once he ditches the Liberace tan and suspect goatee Tom Jones might finally look respectable.
7/ Jeremy Clarkson - any day of the week
There are three qualities, which come to mind when we think of the Top Gear presenter/author/columnist: pompous, controversial, bad dresser. The wire wool barnet can be forgiven, but the tired and predictable suit jacket and jeans ensemble scream mid-life crisis so loud, we can’t here a words he’s saying. His beach holiday attire scores about as high as his moral sensitivity. Our verdict? He’s more Peugeot Clio than Bugatti Veyron.
8/ Rose McGowan – Lack of dress
She’s the sexy goth lady who dated death-metal, poster boy, Marilyn Manson. It’s no surprise that during that puzzling relationship, Rose chose to wear a string dress to the MTV Music awards. It was her lack of outfit that could’ve ruined her career, but didn’t. She ditched the girly god of death and went on to star in a Robert Rodriguez/Tarantino double feature Grindhouse. Too bad pictures on the internet can never be destroyed.
9/ Vanessa Feltz – She didn’t fit in the hole
After staging a tear-jerking break down on Celebrity Big Brother, the bubbly blonde decided she was going to have a good laugh at herself on BBC One game show Hole in the Wall. And she invited the British public to have a chuckle too. We're guessing she didn’t know about the silver lamé cat suit and red helmet before she agreed to the terms and conditions.
10/ George Galloway – another fateful cat suit
And lastly we have another tragic casualty of the humiliation minefield that is the Big Brother house. The red cat suit was just one of the many torturous mechanisms used by Channel 4 producers to bring down the once esteemed MP. Forced to crawl on all fours, purr and lick imaginary cream from Rula Lenska’s hands, Galloway crippled his career in British politics.