Taken from A Hedonist’s Guide to Life
Catherine is the Independent’s sex columnist and author of Sleeping Around: Secrets of a Sexual Adventuress. She has shagged on the first date, but concedes that sometimes it’s better to wait
“Do you want a lap dance?” I was out with my male pals when the gorgeous brunette with the massive breasts started gyrating in front of me. I nodded, completely entranced, as she peeled down to a microscopic thong. The stripper was a cocktease, and that’s why, hundreds of pounds later, the boys were still drooling.
Cocktease… some people say it like it’s a bad thing. It entered the vernacular in the 1800s as derogatory sexual slang for women who tantalized men without delivering, but I'm starting to think that women should reclaim the word. As a very hot economist told me, keeping men wanting is like simple economics. “Men take anything – even sex – for granted if they think the supply is unlimited,” he said. “It’s about creating artificial scarcity.”
I’m always up for a quickie in the shower, but lately I’ve noticed my lover has been treating my pussy like a Sky Plus box, assuming that he can push ‘Play’ whenever he likes. In today’s everything-on-demand culture, there’s nothing wrong with savouring the build-up to sex. If men don’t get their instant gratification, then they’ll be begging for you until they get it – that puts all the power into your hands.
Being the cocktease, then, is about being all tits and no arse. You have to offer a few smoke signals to indicate the promise of fire. Give out – not that much, but enough to keep you number one. Seduce as you refuse – you don’t want to completely shut the door on them (we want the goods too, after all). Try massaging your neck, for example, and mention your exhausting yoga class where you had your ankles behind your head – that image will fuel his fantasies for weeks.
Every cock is there to tease. For the single girl, caving in reduces your choices. Submit immediately and they’ll think, “That was easy. I could probably do better.” There’s nothing sexy about being too sexually available. And once you put out, it’s the only place men go. Hold them off with a charm offensive, however, and the dynamic changes completely – they’ll think they’ve got the queen bee, and they’ll treat you like one. A challenge is unquestionably irresistible to an ego – why else would ultra-powerful men be paying dominatrices on their lunch hour?
Long-term lovers can be hauled out of the man-shaped indentation in the sofa too. It can be as simple as building anticipation with dirty emails. I'm a huge fan of the 'accidental flash', where I pull my dress up, ostensibly adjusting something, so that my lover can get a glimpse of my underwear. Then I send him off to work, knowing the scene will be on constant replay in his head. Talking about sexual experiences can be a turn-on en route to the bedroom, but don’t mention ex-lovers' prowess. When the male ego deflates, everything else soon follows suit.
So when I realised I had become the Sky Plus box, I decided to make my lover work for it. I started by calling him to let him know how wet I was, and that I was touching myself. Just as he was heating up, I made my excuses and went to dinner with my girlfriends. I had four missed calls and several naughty texts. Then back at his place I stripped down to a thong and heels and gave him a lap dance, tying his hands behind his back so he couldn't touch me. Eventually, I moved him to the bed, where I tied him to the bedposts (some people like handcuffs, but I find them too easy to escape from, unless you use police handcuffs and they’re a nightmare if you lose the key; I prefer silk scarves). I pushed my breasts in his face, sat on top of him and made him lick me until I had an orgasm. Finally, when I had him begging for it, I gave him a blowjob. But just as he was building up to a climax, I took a break and went to the bathroom to paint my nails. Then I masturbated myself while he watched on. The more I made him wait, the more turned on I felt. The tie-up tease is an amazing way to guarantee you multiple orgasms.
But it’s not just all about me. The art of the cocktease – and the deferral of gratification – makes for more sensitivity on both sides, richer fantasies, more sexual charge and better sex all round. This is tantric sex with tassels.
Content copyright of Catherine Townsend
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