15/ “I only drink Cristal”
Yup, once more it has come to this. Already £300 in the hole, at the top of the bouncer’s ‘keep an eye on him’ list, you’re on the floor of a Continental strip club begging the Brazilian sex slave “you connected with” for company, conversation, and “to treat you as a person, not just a credit card”. Still what goes on tour, stays on tour, right lads?
14/ Your own voice
The drawl of Connery? The presence of Blessed? The charm of Clinton? The elocution of Obam… “Dude – you sound like Alan Carr! But, like, your nose whistles more.”
13/ “Do something!”
And while we appreciate faking an asthma attack is technically ‘doing something’, sadly it’s not what your girlfriend means.
12/ Your name being announced over a PA
Airport, doctor’s waiting room, local meat raffle – no matter. Nothing beats the brief, icy chill at your public identification, followed by lurching mortification as the room bends around you in bullet-time. So take it like a man. And by that, we mean just sit there, sweating gently and tutting when no one stands up.
11/ “Table for one, sir?”
Why of course, Alphonse! Preferably one facing the wall.
10/ Mid-date flatulence
At home? Fine. But with invitation accepted, door closed, wine poured, arm placed on leg and… oh no. The gastric equivalent of a Met Office severe weather warning. So gently now – just part the buttocks, and relea… oh God. Has someone killed a dog? She’s actually coughing. Can I fit through the window?
9/ “Maybe sir should try a bigger size”
Ignore her patronising inflection: you were a 32in waist aged 17, and as God is your witness, you’ll fit into a 32in now. Or at least struggle manfully, before the button pops off and arcs past her disbelieving mouth. “I think I’ll leave them, I don’t really like the cut.”
8/ Your own heartbeat
Your “primary warp drive” has always thumped like an ox, come what may – marathons, lengthy sex bouts, climbing stairs too fast after a Chinese etc. Now, that pounding alarm in your ears? That means something else: you’re seriously scared or seriously high. Is this… the Big One? Nope: Chinese again.
7/ “My dad collects swords”
See also, “When dad was at Goose Green…” and “He gained loads of muscle definition while he was inside.” And of course, “Just don’t make any really loud noises around him.”
6/ American women
“Me… I… me… and another thing: me.” Jeez already.
5/ “And now we join BBC News 24…”
Aww – no more programmes? Not even a repeat of Murphy’s Law? Or a lengthy weather analysis? Do we really have to – gulp – go to bed? Alone?
4/ Your doctor exhaling slowly
Oof: unlucky. It’s like the old joke: “How long have I got, doc?” “Sorry to tell you – it’s ten.” “Ten what? Weeks? Months?” “Nine…”
3/ “I’m afraid your card’s been declined”
Christ, how embarrassing. Letting her supersize: always a mistake.
2/ Daah…dah dah. Da-da-da-da dah dah dah. Daah…
AKA the opening bars of YMCA. At a wedding. Your wedding. To a man. Who you really love.
1/ “Let the children go, and come out with your hands above your head.”
This is absolutely the last time you get drunk before Laser Quest.