Dear Angels, If a girl is crap in bed – and I don’t want a catty “maybe it’s you who’s crap!” answer – how do you ramp things up a bit without performing the emotional equivalent of punching a girl’s head down while she’s giving you a hummer?
JW, via e-mail
Just tell her straight. It’s going to hurt, but let’s face it, sex is too important to beat around the bush. And if she doesn’t know how can she improve? I’d advise complimenting her on something she does well in bed, then pointing out something she could improve (“Could you try a little less teeth when you go down on me?”), then pay her a second massive compliment to ease the blow…
If she’s “crap” it’s because she’s lacking self-confidence or she’s inexperienced. You have two options. The first is to work on her self-assurance; compliment her, make her feel sexy. Alcohol might help. The second is to teach her a few tricks. Whack some good porn on. Nothing too adventurous – you don’t want to scare her off – then suggest trying out some of the moves. If neither works, admit defeat. Some people just aren’t sexually compatible and she’s probably thinking the same thing.
Dear Angels, A friend of mine (who has a boyfriend) has now slept with me twice when she was drunk. But everything’s weirdly normal the next day.What’s going on, does she fancy me, or is she just a bit of a goer?
This might sound ridiculous, but maybe you should try talking to her. Duh! She has a boyfriend, you’re her mate, she’s had sex with you twice – you’re well within your rights to ask her what’s going on. The fact that she hasn’t even tried talking to you about this makes me think she’s a bit weird. Or she doesn’t like you. Or she thinks you don’t like her. Or she’s scared about her boyfriend finding out. Or she’s just a bit embarrassed. To be honest, none of these sound great; so ask her outright.
Imagine this the other way round: you have a girlfriend, get drunk now and then and end up in bed with a female friend. Likelihood is you don’t fancy her, but things may not be ship-shape with your girlfriend and you are using this girl for a bit of fun. I think you are being used. Most girls are very clingy after sex if they actually like a bloke. You should stop this liaison, saying you feel bad for her boyfriend. This way you preserve your dignity and are giving her a little kick towards sorting out her own relationship.
Dear Angels, I mixed up my text messages the other day and called a girl I was seeing the name of another girl I’ve slept with a couple of times. Understandably, she’s gone a bit mental – what can I do to win her back round?
Anon, the dog house
You plonker! These things happen, though, so don’t stress over it. Does she know you slept with this other girl? Do you secretly want to be with this other girl or was it an innocent mistake? If you really want to win her round, you need to step up your game – you’ve got some making up to do. Firstly, you need to erase the memory of the crap text with loads of reassuring ones. Then some classic manoeuvres: send her flowers and take her out for dinner. It sounds clichéd, but we’re suckers for a little romance.
First off you need to pick one lady and ditch the other. Life is complicated enough with one girl, let alone two who don’t know about each other. Also, if you’re double dipping you are risking spreading infections between the three of you, plus any other men they may be seeing. If you want to be with ‘gone a bit mental’ then I suggest you tell her the truth. Well, take the truth and dress it up a bit. Say you had a bit of overlap in the very early stages, but that’s over now. And then stay monogamous. It’s worth it for a quiet life.
Dear Angels, I got beaten up the other week and my girlfriend has been a bit off since. Do I need to toughen up or lose her? Or is there another reason why she’s being odd?
Are you for real? If she’s embarrassed because her boyfriend got beaten up, you’re better off without. There’s probably another reason. I bet she copped off with the guy who beat on you. He’s jealous of you and that’s why he duffed you up. She’s too scared to tell you why he beat you up because she doesn’t want you to find out about her cheating, so that’s why she’s being odd with you. There.
It’s difficult to understand her reaction. If you provoked it or you were too drunk to remember, she might be questioning whether she trusts you to look after yourself. Or, just as importantly, to look after her. When you’re close to someone, you can often blame them in the same way that you’d blame yourself. Reactions to this sort of thing can be very complex, but you should discuss it if you have any hope of understanding her reasons.
Dear Angels, When we wake up and you’re staring at us and you mutter “What you thinking about?” knowing full well we were asleep and dreaming of crisps… Why are you so interested?
This aggressive line of questioning is a clear indication that there’s something bothering her. And it’s trying to get out and ruin your lie-in. So stick to a neutral answer: a detailed account of the dream in which you found that your football boots were filled with concrete, for example. That’ll bore her into submission for now. Watch out for more of this though – next time you might have to delve deeper.
Girls can get a bit neurotic in the early stages of a relationship. It may be a genuine question if she’s worried you’re thinking about someone else. But most of the time we’re just fishing for compliments. Something like, “I’m thinking about how much I love your bum in those knickers,” would be heading in the right direction.
Dear Angels, Help! My girlfriend wants to be my friend on Facebook. Only problem is all of my friends are female (holiday flings, unrequited office pesting etc). It’s all in the past (kind of), but she’s the jealous type and bound to explode. What can I do?
PI, via e-mail
By the sound of it, if she’s got any sense she won’t be your girlfriend for much longer, whether you ‘accept’ her or not. Add her as a friend, she’ll see what you’ve been up to; don’t add her as a friend, she’ll work it out anyway. Either way you lose. I’d accept her and start adding male friends, fast!
Facebook profiles and jealous girlfriends are not a happy combination. As soon as you let her loose, she’s going to be squinting at the thumbnail photo of every female ‘friend’ you’ve ever had. Ask yourself if you really want to string along a collection of holiday shags when you’ve got a girlfriend you supposedly care about. If the answer is ‘yes’, ditch her and go back to your free love approach. If it’s ‘no’, start culling female friends like a digital grim reaper. Pronto.