Dear Angels, I’m looking to add some spice to my oral technique and reckon introducing my mouth to my lady’s arse could be the answer. But I’m worried about the chance of infection – not to mention the possible stink. Should I just throw caution to the wind or is there some bumhole etiquette I need to follow?
Chris Bonnet, via e-mail
Angel Eleanor: You should speak to her first before you dive into something she may find unpleasant. Properly washed bums shouldn’t smell, but you can always suggest a little in-the-shower foreplay. Before you go for it, also be aware of the infection risks – the most common being hepatitis A – it’s small, but worth weighing up.
Angel Steph: I’d do it tentatively at first because you might get a slap around the face if it’s still a little unexpected. On the other hand, it feels so naughty and nice at the same time, if you do go for it I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Dear Angels, My female friend has asked me to a wedding as her guest. Nothing unusual there except we’re going to share a double bed. Should I take the couch, think nothing of it, or dive on her as soon as we get a bit tipsy? Surely this is a ‘green light’, or do women just ask their friends to do this ‘casually’?
Angel Jen: Green light a go-go, I’d say. There’s no way I’d invite a male friend, a) to a friend’s wedding as my plus-one in the first place, and b) to share a room with me, if I didn’t want anything to happen. She’s obviously up for a bit of you know what. Just get pissed and shag her. If she goes along with it, great. If she doesn’t, just say you were hammered and would never try anything on usually because you wouldn’t want to jeopardise the friendship blah blah blah… You know the vibe.
Angel Anna: The good news is, if she’s a casual acquaintance, she wants to sleep with you. Go for it – you’ve got nothing to lose. But if you’re really good mates, it’s a bit more complicated. There’s a possibility that she genuinely does just see you as a trusty chaperone, but it seems more likely that she’s taking this opportunity to make a move. Either way, your code of conduct remains simple. When you arrive, assume that you’re sleeping on the couch, get changed in the bathroom and try not to act like you want to jump her bones. If she wants more than just a partner for the ‘funky chicken’, it’ll become pretty obvious after a few glasses of Champagne.
Dear Angels, Should I get my arse waxed? I’ve read that women like it, but I’m a bit worried about looking like a massive overgrown baby.
Ed Granby, St Albans
Angel Anna: It’s great when a guy can wield a pair of tweezers with confidence. And moisturised skin is so much more strokable. But a waxed arse is just too self-conscious. There’s the prospect of infected ingrowing hairs, that weird plucked chicken after-effect and a nappy rash. And wouldn’t you have to do your legs too, to avoid looking like a baboon? So, unless you’re frequently mistaken for a silverback or auditioning for The Chippendales, embrace your rugged rump and we might do the same.
Angel Steph: I think we’ve just found my limit! You’re a man, not a baby. Did you know that some women love hairy men? I reckon it could be a whole lot less painful for you if you just stick to what you prefer and stop taking everything you read so seriously. Of course, if you’ve met the woman of your dreams and she doesn’t like hairy men then you may have to bite the bullet. And if you do go for it, get it done professionally. It will be less painful and reduces the chance of infection because, let’s face it, a hairy bum has to be preferable to a spotty, infected one!
Dear Angels, I’m fine with women once I’ve got to know them, but tend to find that nerves get the better of me and I come across as a bit bumbling when I first get chatting to them. Are there any tricks – verbal or non-verbal – I could try that’d help to ‘relax’ women when they first meet me (beyond just getting them hammered)?
K Murphy, Huddersfield
Angel Steph: Concentrate on staying calm. Make eye contact when you’re saying hello. You want her to feel comfortable in your presence, as if you’re a long-lost friend. When she leans in, you lean in, if she relaxes back on her seat you relax back to. This is called creating rapport and once you get in rhythm will occur naturally. Get this part right and you’re halfway there. Then look to build rapport through your voice. When people are ‘like’ each other, they tend to like each other. Studies show that the things you actually say are only 7% of the overall package, so relax.
Angel Anna: A bit of bumbling is fine, quite charming even. Come across too slick and we suspect your lines have been used before. But if you know your chat’s a bit hit and miss, make sure you’ve got the basics sorted: offering to buy her a drink, a few questions about herself. Please remember that we’re human too, and not some terrifying cyborg life-form. We’re just as likely to be wondering what you think of us.
Dear Angels, When I ‘poke’ women on Facebook do they think I’m a perv or a wimp for not sending a message?
‘Stupot’, via e-mail
Angel Eleanor: A poke from a wanted source can be romantic and sexy. It makes us feel great to know you are thinking about us, without those sentiments being confused in a message. It’s a great way to initiate contact as long as you follow one simple rule; if she doesn’t poke you back leave it. She’s not interested. Keep at it and you will be running the risk of poking her in the direction of the “report this person” icon.
Angel Anna: A flirty poke is a good way of testing the water with women, but don’t be too liberal; multiple pokage screams cyber-pest. If she does poke you back, take advantage of the time to think of something clever to say, and send her a good old-fashioned message.