It’s very likely your girlfriend has at least one fantasy that she’d love to live out and that you – were you to know about it – would be supremely over-excited about. It’s also likely that she is embarrassed to say it out loud, for fear that you’ll laugh at her, think she’s weird or tell Big Dave in the pub. So encourage her: whisper to her to keep her high heels on when she’s getting into bed, tell her how hot she’d look in a certain pair of very slutty stockings… whatever it is that comes into your head, as long as it makes her think, “Brilliant! I can tell this man anything.”
Know your subject intimately
Ensure you’ve done your research before you go buying her a surprise set of sexy underwear. And we don’t just mean checking her bra size – while you’re rooting around in her drawer also take note if she has preferences for G-strings, briefs or French knickers and silk, cotton or lace. They’ll likely be a mix, but if there are no thongs it’s probably because she doesn’t like them, dummy. Armed with full briefing notes, head to Agent Provocateur or online to figleaves.com.
Game of patience
Drag out foreplay for as long as you can. Even if she says she just wants you inside her, make her wait. The frustration and longing will just make her hotter and there’s something to be said for a man who takes time on his foreplay. While we’re certainly not averse to the occasional quickie, a man who can hold off earns our respect and comes across as more powerful. Which we like.
When you’re using a vibrator on a girl, err on the side of gentleness to start with. There’s nothing worse than a guy just pumping it in and out – we’re far more likely to get off on clitoral vibes anyway, and we can always demand you do it harder and deeper. On the other hand, asking you to slow down doesn’t usually contribute to the rampant atmosphere we’re both after.
Using mirrors only works if she’s feeling good about herself, so there are some days when you might have to admit defeat on this one. But usually just after her period she’ll be horny and feel slimmer, so adjust the mirrors and watch yourselves having sex. Look especially at your penis slowly penetrating her – it can be a real turn-on for both parties.
Lube for lust
Planning another weekend-long sex marathon? Well don’t make the mistake of buying any old cheap lubricant (we’re sure to need it to prevent soreness, what with you being ‘so big’ and all…). Girls don’t want anything that looks gruesome or might prompt an allergic reaction. Pasante does a top-quality lube and there are a host more organic options at yesyesyes.org.
Every girl has got a secret ‘red button’ somewhere – and we’re not talking about her clit. There will be another area of her body that, when probed, is guaranteed to drive her wild. It might be as simple as kissing her lower back, it might be toe-sucking, hair twisting – the list is endless. But fi nd it and you’ve got a magic key. She may not even know where it is, so get hunting.
Before you leave for work, leave a glass dildo in the fridge. When you get home, blindfold her, tie her to the bed and surprise her by teasing the icy cold appendage all over her skin. Work your way down her body, then alternate sliding the dildo into her with entering her yourself – the contrast of cold sex toy and warm cock will have her senses screaming.
If your girlfriend is partial to a spot of girl-on-girl action then the strap-on step shouldn’t be such a big one. Playing with girls can be lovely and soft and the addition of a strap-on takes it from being plain naughty to extremely raunchy. Just let her know how much you’d like to see her in action and curiosity should get the better of her.
Communication is not always men’s strong point, and sometimes we worry we’re not doing enough to turn you on. So tell us what you like. Be specifi c. And when we’re doing it right, let us know. See? It really is that simple.
Go down on her by an open window. Experimenting with near exhibitionism in a safe environment when you know you might be seen can really turn you both on.
This is a particular bugbear of many lasses. If you’re shagging sans rubber – and you’ve come inside us – it’s the height of rudeness to leave us to clear up the mess that ensues. Girls heartily appreciate it when a man politely pops to the bathroom and emerges with some tissues to mop up any drips. There’s nothing less attractive than having to stagger to the toilet, cupping your clam to avoid drips on the carpet. So pass the baby wipes.
A spontaneous weekend away at a luxurious hideaway hotel is still one of the best moves any man can make (check the Mr & Mrs Smith guidebooks and website, mrandmrssmith.com, for suitably sexy establishments). And any additions to that simply increase your chances of having amazing sex: champagne on ice, fl owers in the room, chocolates by the bed, a Jacuzzi…
Unexpected sex text
Our friend Stephanie was in the pub with her boyfriend of a year and a group of friends, when he started texting her across the table. The content is incidental – other than the fact it wasn’t something you’d want to send to your parents by mistake – but the public place/ private messaging combo meant she was dragging him home in minutes. And – so she eagerly informs us – they had sex that hadn’t been bettered since the fi rst few weeks of their relationship.
Draw the line
Chat-up lines are the work of some sort of cheesy devil. And no matter how ‘clever’ you think yours is, we feel it’s our duty to tell you, it’s not. So don’t even bother trying: just speak to us in normal human words that didn’t come out of a book or from your ‘hilarious’ friend after he’d sunk ten pints.
Female ejaculation – some women love it and can do it with ease, others may fi nd that the area is too sensitive. To fi nd out, fi rst make sure she is really turned on and wet, then insert your third and fourth fi ngers and hook your fi ngers towards you until you can feel a slightly rougher area of skin on her front wall. Then using a rhythmic motion slide your fi ngers back and forth, experimenting with different strokes and speeds to see what she likes. Imagine the speed at which you’d start masturbating yourself, slowly increasing in pace, and if anything slow it down. The more she moans the faster you can go generally. If she does gush, fl uid will be released and – though it’s not the same as peeing – just before she ejaculates it helps if she ‘bears down’ to kick start the fl ow. The first couple of times it may feel a little alien, but with a little perseverance the results can be the most intense orgasms of her life.
If you’ve never used one, try wearing a cock ring. Your girl will be smiling the entire following day.
Contrary to popular male thinking, licking chocolate off various body parts doesn’t do a lot to most women. If we’re doing it to you, we’re thinking, “This would taste better after the sex with a cup of tea.” If you’re doing it to us, we’re more than likely thinking about the sheets and the fact that we’ll have to shower immediately afterwards. We like chocolate. We like sex. Just not necessarily together.
The stroking ban
Refrain from stroking her clitoris with your fi nger, then you’ll have to fi nd different ways of stimulating it. Two ways we’d recommend are gentle tapping – long build-up but worth the wait – and keeping your hand completely still but with mild downward pressure. The second one won’t last long before she’s jumping on you.
When the bite is right
Here’s a simple, yet very horny, move for us girls: when your man bites your bottom lip and draws it outwards mid kiss. Amazing.
Invest in high quality, non-clichéd aftershave: Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme, Gucci For Men and Essenza di Zegna are all hot, and Issey Miyake will have most women lavishing kisses on your neck. If you turn up on a date smelling amazing, you have bonus points already. But David Beckham’s Intimately Beckham and Lynx don't cut it, baby.
A physiological phenomenon exists called “conditioning” where a refl ex reaction can be stimulated based on previous experience. Use this to your advantage and condition your lady into being instantly up for it. Try a slow massage with a perfumed oil followed by gentle stimulation and slow deep penetration. Repeat this routine a few times, with small variations on each occasion, and in time she’ll become aroused just by the smell of the oil.
Become a spin doctor
Write down all the clichŽd moves you’ve ever read about. Then take each one and think of a spin on it. If it’s ‘the cunnilingus alphabet’, do the same thing but very slowly; if it’s sex on the beach, try it on in your back garden late at night; even replace phone sex with text sex (and added pictures). She’s less likely to compare you with her exes and more likely to be surprised and excited by your originality in bed.
Get jiggly with it
If your girlfriend’s game for a spot of secret stimulation, buy her some ‘jiggle balls’. She simply lubes the two smooth orbs and eases them inside her. The small inner weights, similar to Chinese balls, provide gentle vibrations when she moves. Try them fi rst at home and she can describe how turned on she’s getting (hopefully); then you can always take things up a level by suggesting she slip them in before or during an evening out.
Basic massage oils or baby oil can be super sexy. Ask your girlfriend to give you a long, slow back massage, gradually moving down to your bum and balls. Then see how long you can stay on your front as she slides up and down, gliding her breasts over your back. Ylang-ylang essential oil is recommended for its aphrodisiac properties, or try Agent Provocateur’s aromatic Rose massage oil.
Kick off with compliments
Be careful the fi rst time you talk dirty during sex. Every girl has different tastes, and while some love being crudely insulted, calling others a bitch will just get you a slap. So start off with compliments such as “I love it when you suck my cock like that” or “You taste fantastic”. Then you can move onto ruder stuff as and when…
Don’t be shy to buy your girl a sex toy. It saves her the embarrassment of buying it herself and hiding it from you, and saves you from fi nding out she’s shagging some bloke at work because she’s not getting enough. Keep it relatively simple: avoid anything that’s bigger than you, it’s not about size (honestly, in this case), and go for discreet shapes and packaging. There are plenty of cute shiny buzzy things to keep her out of trouble when you’re away for the weekend without making her feel like a total whore. And she can tell you all about it when you get back.
Inserting things up your bum isn’t for everyone, but anal beads can be a massive pleasure-enhancer for blokes. Best introduced while you are insanely horny, add a little lube to ease their passage, then if your girlfriend wanks or sucks you off as she feeds them in, it will help to keep you relaxed. As you are about to climax you, or preferably your girlfriend, pulls the beads out, either in one slow smooth motion or one by one to prolong the sensation.
Flash your abs
If you’ve got a tight stomach, an ‘Oh I’m just reaching to get something and my T-shirt’s rode up’ is the equivalent of a female hint of cleavage. Play this card at the right stage of the date and we’ll be having distracting thoughts throughout – especially if we glimpse the hint of a rippling six-pack under there.
Know your terms
Don’t reveal your ignorance of women’s underwear and hosiery. You should know the difference between stockings and hold-ups (the former require a suspender belt to hold them up, the latter don’t), a basque and a corset (the former is any tight-fi tting bodice; the latter is boned and specifi cally pulls in the waist and pushes up the bust). That knowledge should also prepare you for when it comes to taking them off, too; sure-handedness in such situations always impresses us.
Don’t be too perfect…
If we arrive at your fl at to fi nd your fl atmates out, 17 candles lit in every room, and a three-course meal prepared from scratch and to a level Gordon Ramsay couldn’t recreate, we will instantly panic. We will panic that the wine we brought is too cheap for the meal. We will panic that we may have missed a spot when shaving our legs. We will panic that we’re wearing tights and not stockings. We will panic… well, you get the gist.
Flirting up front
We’ve not come over all Silver Ring Thing or anything, we’re simply referring to pre-date fl irting. This should be done on e-mail, by text, on Facebook… anything that means by the time you actually meet she feels very comfortable being fl irty around you. And a little bit turned on.
Fornication in French
If you’re both up for watching some genuine porn, opt for the French stuff. This avoids all the toe-curling dialogue, and it tends to look much better – like the participants are actually enjoying themselves, rather than earning money to pay for the ’leccy bill. After extensive research, we can recommend John B Root’s La Candidate and Un Nuit Au Bordello, both superb (dorcelvision.com).
Pay attention to aftercare
We’ve been on the waxing tip for a few years and smooth balls and undercarriage on a man can be very sexy. However, if you don’t give the area a good going over with a daily exfoliating scrub afterwards we’ll have to deal with the unsightly horror of you suffering from ingrowing, and possibly infected, hairs. So don’t neglect the ‘aftercare’ – it puts us right off our game.
Suedette floggers – a little like a hand held mop in construction but signifi cantly sexier – provide a non painful, slap and tickle strand of S&M. They are more playful than painful, but a good session with these can have you trembling. Bend your partner over a bed or chair so their buttocks are exposed, then start by stroking their cheeks with the tassles. Ask your willing victim to spread their legs so that as you stroke the fl ogger across their bare arse you lightly touch their pussy or balls. As they relax try a light spank, building the intensity and speed gradually. Then revert back to stroking, alternating between the two, with the odd surprise sharp slap. Putty in your hands.
If your better half is likely to think that a bright pink rabbit-eared dildo looks a bit common – which, if she’s a classy type, may well be the case – then shell out for Myla’s Spot (myla.com). This vibrator looks like a cross between an avant-garde mobile phone and a little black ghost and charges from the mains. So you won’t have to make any more embarrassing 2am trips to the garage for “a packet of those massive batteries please…er, for a torch.”
Contrary to what you’ve seen in porn fi lms, most of us aren’t really into having our backsides demolished in anal sex marathons. However, if you really are arse-fi xated, a happy compromise can be reached: pressing fi rmly against the anus but without actually penetrating will stimulate our nerve endings without the shock of ‘intrusion’. It’ll also prove to us that you can be trusted.
… if she appears to enjoy that little manoeuvre, the next step is to insert one fi nger very gently into her arse when you think she’s about to come. Many girls, even those who don’t ‘do’ anal, still enjoy a sneaky fi nger at the point of climax. Not more than just inside to start with and gauge her reaction.
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me
Kissing is vastly underrated. It shows that a man is sensitive and happy to take his time, which we love, so make sure you pay her at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated lip service before moving on. ‘Not kissing’ just reminds us of Pretty Woman.
If you’re delving into the realms of online swinging, forget about sites which are free, or don’t require registration as they’re full of spammers and prostitutes. The likes of swingingheaven.co.uk, sdc.com and loungeparties.com are a safe bet. However, beware of posters without photographs on their adverts; they’re usually men masquerading as women or dodgy ‘picture collectors’.
A twist on the old girl-on-a-washing machine masturbation cliche is for you to sit on it during the spin cycle and get her to climb aboard. The vibrations of the washer will carry through you and into her; go for a slow screw so she can really feel them.
If you do manage to swing a threesome with two girls, once everything starts properly kicking off, make your excuses and get out of the room for fi ve minutes. This will help the girls get into the swing of things without the feeling that they’re putting on a show for your benefi t (that can come later) and the pressure of your bulging eyes burning into their skin.
If you are cursed with dry skin, throw on baby oil immediately after a shower. It soaks up rapidly on wet skin (thus avoiding the Chippendale effect) and leaves you with a buttery soft body crying out to be touched,
Try stopping, mid sex, and staying completely still while inside her. It heightens awareness, sexual tension (in a good way) and focuses you both on the smallest movements, as well as prolonging the ecstasy.
The shopping equation
If your sex life is getting predictable, don’t think a PVC novelty outfi t is the answer. Girls love shopping and they love presents, so go shopping with her, spend some time browsing the lingerie, both pick something for her to wear that night. She gets the right size, you pay, she puts out. Simple and highly satisfactory.
No Trappist tendencies
Our friend Lucy recently dated a man who went from chatty and funny when clothed to a complete mute when naked. In an ideal world, she’d have liked a small amount of dirty talk, and she certainly didn’t appreciate the constant fear of exploding into nervous giggles at his silence. We don’t need a John Motson-style commentary, nor do we want to sleep with a monk.
While the idea of adding drugs into your sexual experiences appeals to some, be warned of the hazards. If you so much as sniff an ecstasy pill you risk becoming hung like a cashew nut for the rest of the night. Too much weed or booze and you’d be lucky to get, let alone keep, an erection. And Viagra + cocaine = potential heart attack. Even in your 20s.
Play the long game
Being up for sex is entirely dependent upon a girl’s mood. While you might be able to bash one out after emptying the bins, we need to be relaxed and feeling good about ourselves. If you’re in a relationship, it could be as simple as running her a bath while you clear up in the kitchen. She will thank you for your selfl essness and repay you accordingly.
Protect & survive
It is never acceptable to say “I don’t do condoms”. Ever. You will die a lonely, syphilitic man.
Spanking good fun
Spanking can work both ways. It can be horny at the right time, or it can be completely hilarious. The trick is to do it when you’re taking her from behind. The spank must be sharp, hard and quick. No sloppiness here. And please don’t get offended if we laugh – it might be due to the shock – and it doesn’t mean we’re not liking it.
Find a rear-end rhythm
If you’ve persuaded your girl to let you shag her in the ass, don’t celebrate by going at it like a battering ram. However – rather less obviously – going too slowly can be equally painful as it drags the skin too much. What’s needed is a careful balance of speed and power without going too deep. And, of course, lube up to the max, and then some.
Obey orgy etiquette
If you attend a swingers’ party or orgy with a girl, ensure you let her make the running. At least at fi rst, she should be the one pointing out who she likes, instigating conversations and making the fi rst move. Even in seemingly ‘anything goes’ environments there are strict codes of etiquette, and nothing is considered worse form than sex pesty, over-eager men.
Play to our subconscious
As long as it’s not a fi rst date – when we’re looking for any sign of abnormality to tell our friends about in the form of a ‘funny date’ anecdote – feel free to throw in a few subtle references to sexual preferences or experiences. As long as it’s not delivered in a creepy fashion, our psychological reaction (linking you to nakedness) will soon give way to a physiological one (you’re not getting an explanation for that in brackets).
Read the signs
The best way to judge a new girlfriend’s attitude to ‘adult material’ is to rent a regular movie boasting plenty of sex – something like Closer or Secretary – give her a glass of wine, and watch her reactions both during the fi lm and later that night. You will know whether she’s into it or not by the morning, without risking offending or horrifying her. It’ll give you a decent idea of whether moving onto the hardcore is an option.
If you’re trying to secure round two (or three, or four) the following morning, you need to be just as careful with your behaviour as when you were in ‘seduction mode’ the night before. So, a cooked breakfast in bed will make her feel unsexy and bloated; fresh orange juice (or Buck’s Fizz) and the Sunday papers will make her feel spoilt and indulgent. And clichŽs come into play here as well – though you may think a Marvin Gaye soundtrack is exactly what’s called for, a laugh and an ogle at some beautiful bodies on Shipwrecked may be a far superior bonding experience.
Spell it out
A friend of ours once got home to fi nd the magnetic fridge letters that normally spelled out inane messages or daft in-jokes arranged to spell out a very fi lthy request from her boyfriend. Had he just greeted her with the question verbally when she walked through the door, she would probably have told him she was watching Desperate Housewives and wasn’t in the mood. But seeing the words written down both amused and turned her on. So, two hours later, she was going to sleep after one of the best sixty-niners of her life, apparently.
Share your fantasies
As much as we’d like to be, we’re not mind-readers. So if there’s something you fantasise about doing, just say so. We’re generally up for trying new ideas and will be receptive as long as the suggestion’s presented gently. However, unless you’re indulging in previously established role play, aggressive instructions are pushing the limits.
The finger slide
When you’re gleefully rutting away and we’re properly into it, try carefully sliding your fi nger in alongside your cock, and gently pushing out to the side. Probably best to use your little fi nger here as you don’t want to injure us (or get us too used to having something much wider than you inside us).
When indulging in any serious form of S&M, ensure you agree a pre-arranged ‘safe word’ that signals you have to stop immediately. Importantly, don’t opt for something you might say in the heat of the moment anyway – ‘no!’ ‘stop!’ ‘achtung, schweinhund!’ etc – instead, opt for something completely sexless. Like ‘Jon Gaunt!’, perhaps.
Ignore her obvious assets
A large-breasted girl will have endured a lifetime of men staring, pawing and honking at her tits, so make these the last things that you work your way on to. And then act a little surprised by them. By acknowledging her other attributes, you’ll have endeared yourself to her and, probably for the fi rst time, looked beyond her rack yourself. When you have a son, pass on this information, if nothing else.