1/ Stop Listening

“It’s really obvious but if a man ignores the little things you say then it probably means he’s not listening most of the time,” the ladies of Grazia magazine told Upgrade. So, as soon as she starts telling you about the awful day she’s had just stare straight ahead, say, ‘Oh well, never mind,’ and possibly whistle.

2/ Lie

Lie lie lie lie lie. “If you want to have a night out with the boys, that’s absolutely fine,” say Grazia. “But don’t arrange to meet me and then call me from the pub, pissed, and tell me you’re stuck at work.” Or, in this case, do.

3/ Run up some debt

Take a nice long, leisurely slide into the red. The Grazia ladies say, “Being in lots of debt is a huge no-no. It smacks of gross irresponsibility and would immediately make us think he wouldn’t be able to take care of us if we got married and had children.” On the downside, you’ll wind up with potentially crippling credit card payments and a possible visit from some burly Ukrainians who want to break your legs. On the upside, you’ll have a nice new telly.

4/ Be Needy

Want to guarantee she’ll chuck you? Treat her like your mum. This does not mean asking her to walk you to work and check in the wardrobe for monsters. No, becoming creepily dependent will soon convince her that instead of you she might be better off with a cat and an occasional lean against the spin dryer. “Do not put your head under my chin when we cuddle,” say Grazia, just about managing not to retch. “It’s weird.”

5/ Feign illiteracy

“We can’t bear men who don’t read books.” The ladies of Grazia did not specify whether reading the side of cereal packets and stressing about your intake of folic acid counted as proper reading.

6/ Keep Your Wallet Closed

You never saw Scrooge McDuck with an pretty lady duck on his arm. That’s not just because he had a weird thing about only hanging out with young boys but because no woman likes a mean man (or duck). Never offer to pay for anything. Don’t make a big deal of it, just act as if her giving you a free ride is completely normal. “Splitting costs is totally fine and right,” says one Grazia staffer. “Being stingy is not.”

7/ Bang on about Megan Fox

“We know Megan Fox is hot but we don’t want to be reminded ALL THE TIME!” shout Grazia. “Why are you talking to us about celebrities you fancy like we’re one of your male friends – are you expecting us to join in the lechery?” Well, maybe not expecting…