GOLD MEDAL…FOR WREAKING A TERRIBLE VENGEANCE
Andy Murray didn’t just beat his Wimbledon nemesis Roger Federer in the Olympic Final; he bent him over, pulled his pants down and spanked his bare behind in front of everyone. Still reviled by a lunatic fringe of Daily Star-reading mouth breathers who can’t fathom why a Scotsman might not want the English football team to win games, you never know, this gold medal might turn a few of them around. He’s just straight-setted one of the greatest tennis players of all time. If that’s not enough to win you over, nothing will.
SILVER MEDAL…FOR BEING ONE OF THE GREATEST SAILORS EVER
When it comes to making boats, and indeed bikes, go really, really fast, there’s no-one quite like the British. Sailor Ben Ainslie is the latest Brit to land gold this summer, winning something called the Finn Class, which sounds very impressive. Even more impressive is the fact that this is his fourth consecutive gold, and that if he hadn’t have won ‘only’ a silver in Atlanta in 1996, he’d have just equalled Steve Redgraves’s record. Still, it’s not so impressive that the man from the BBC could justify giving him a bear hug and calling him, “the greatest sailor ever.” As ESPN’s John Brewin put it, Ferdinand Magellan might have something to say about that.
BRONZE MEDAL FOR…PREDICTABLE MEDIOCRITY
Oh, nice one, footballers. Everyone else on Team GB lifts themselves to superhuman feats of strength, stamina and derring-do, and you lot shuffle out in the quarter-finals to South Korea. On penalties, naturally. And speaking of penalties, have you ever seen a more insipid spot-kick than Aaron Ramsey’s second effort? Apart from his first effort? Risible. No, I’m not having it, footballers. Go away and think about what you’ve done. And don’t come back until you’re sorry. Really sorry.