Sonic, ring-addicted azure freak and star of 65 games, is 20 actual human years old today. If he were a real hedgehog, he would be dead two times over having lived more than twice his species’ average lifespan.

Note: The following article has been roughly arranged from a list of 20 facts we received about Sonic via email to tie in with the Anniversary. We picked out eight that we liked. They're in bold.


There're some real crackers here

Much like Bart Simpson, Bugs Bunny and Madonna, Sonic doesn’t age naturally – he is, and always has been, 15 years old. Madonna, incidentally, is the name of a girlfriend that Sonic had back in the day before he was re-written to be more family friendly and swapped her out for a mutant orphan fox. 

Sonic hates boredom and being tied down, which is true of most people aside from accountants and sadomasochists. 

Had Sonic had a girlfriend rather than an outcast, parentless child as his constant companion, it is unlikely he would have reached such a ripe old age as a common cause of death for male hedgehogs is spinal damage from sexual intercourse.


Actually true

Despite Sonic players worldwide collecting over 70 Billion rings between them, his hunger for the golden loops remains constant.

His red shoes are inspired by Santa Claus and the colour red for speed and fire – a wise choice, because Mr Claus travels so fast as to defy the laws of physics. In addition to his shoes, Sonic wears white gloves but has not mastered the art of trousers. This is presumably because a) they would catch fire from friction and b) a hedgehog’s penis is situated near the centre of the torso, so we could all still see it anyway.


Also actually true

On the subject of defying the laws of physics, Sonic can run faster than the speed of light. Were he real, the stress that this would have on his form would pose much more danger to his life than any amount of post-coital spine damage as he would become an infinitely thin smear of energy once he breached the universal speed limit.

Much like a cat in a bin bag, Sonic cannot swim. His arch-nemesis Dr Eggman (or Dr Robotnik, depending on when you played) has an IQ of 300 yet is unable to defeat one strung-out blue junkie and his mutant friends.

The screenshots above are from Sonic Generations, due for release on 22 November 2011