The holiday wingman that’s more important than your passport

Posted by , 25 July 2013

10 things that you only do on holiday

10 things that you only do on holiday

  • #03

    How to take over Magaluf this summer

  • Introduction
  • #01

    Are girls naughtier than guys on holiday?

You've saved up for months, you're with all your mates and you're in a completely different country, the world is your flippin' oyster so what could possibly go wrong?


10  Pee near others

“Mmmm, the sea’s so warm and relaxing, I’m so glad I came for a dip, uh oh, what’s that feeling in my bladder? But my girlfriend’s only a foot away. She won’t know, right?”


09  Sleep outdoors

Get shitfaced and sleep outdoors in Britain, and your evening’s probably gone a bit wrong. But wake up on a Spanish beach with a crushing hangover and a crab on your face, and you’re King Party of Funtown.


08  Drink colourful cocktails


Why glug a boring pint of lager when you can raise your eyebrow seductively at the hot barmaid while ordering a Screaming Orgasm or a Slippery Nipple? Who cares if it turns your piss blue, you’re on holiday goddamit.


07  Hire a ridiculous bike


If you and your mates were to ride around your local street on a bright yellow bike thing with a funny little roof and a Mickey Mouse flag, then you’d be laughed out of town, but somehow, with the sunshine dancing across your shoulders, it just feels so right…


06  Wear a string vest

Don a string vest in your local Yate’s and girls run a mile.

But on the beach, a holey wifebeater no longer says “Rab C Nesbitt circa 1996”, it says “I’m a man who has the courage to make bold fashion choices.” Ladies, watch out.


05  Smoke weird fags

The health warning is a photo of a dog smoking a ciggie accompanied by the words ‘La fumar es bueno!’

They contain 25 grams of tar and the head rush is akin to that time you accidentally smoked crack. But who gives a shit? You only need one lung anyway, don’t you?


04  Drink booze at 9:30am


In most circumstances pre-lunch drinking in the UK is not cool: you only have to look at the shaky-handed, grey-faced zombies shuffling around Wetherspoons at opening time to know that.

On holiday, however, time is an abstract concept: anything goes.


03  Catch an STI

Eight snogs, two handjobs, a cheeky blowy and a shag – my word, that was a successful holiday. But hold on a minute, what are those red pimples on your todger?

And why does it burn so much? Still she was really fit, so the prospect of infertility is totally worth it… probably.


02  Be interested in fish

Until now, your interest in marine life peaked when you won that goldfish at the fair.

But in the clear blue sea, the smallest dullest, most pointless little fishy fills you with awe and wonder, prompting you to spend 65 euros on a top-end snorkel and underwater camera from the hotel gift shop.


01 Eat insects

“Mate, why would they sell skewered scorpions if they weren’t edible?” your chum asks, passing a handful of local banknotes to a toothless street food vendor.

By the time you realise the locals are all dining at the nearest McDonalds, you’re picking pieces of shell out of your teeth and wiping vomit off your trainers.

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