In America, when you order a pizza, they say, “Sure, that’ll be with you in 30 minutes or less. You have a great day now”, exactly 29 minutes and 59 seconds elapse, and then it arrives. Because that’s how things work there.

In the UK, when you order a pizza, they say “Yeah, alright. It’ll be about 45 minutes, though. Maybe more. It depends when we can be bothered to make it, really. If I were you I'd cook something in the meantime to keep you going. And, to be honest, when we say ‘make it’, we do of course mean microwave the ‘reconstituted’ meat to within an inch of its sad, salty life”.

And then, straight after they gruffly hang up on you, while you’re arguing with your mates over who’s going to drag themself off the sofa to pay the man, it arrives. “That was quick,” you think. It literally couldn’t have got here any quicker had they been hiding in the bushes outside with the pizza at the ready, just on the off chance we happened to order one. So there you are, scrambling to the front door in your kangaroo onesie, sheepishly handing over the exact right money, made up mainly of dusty coppers.

Kangaroo onesie
“Keep the change, mate,” you say. He knows just as well as you that there isn’t any

What's it about?
Aa humble pizza delivery boy gets kidnapped by a pair of criminals who strap a bomb to his chest and order him to rob a bank or meet his maker.

Why we’re excited about it
Danny McBride’s in it and everything he touches turns to lolz. He’s really very funny. Also, someone in the office saw the film about a month ago and said it was “really good”, which is good enough for us. And, for a short time, when we were 17, we had a part-time job as a delivery driver for The Indian Chef. It was one of the best jobs we've ever had. We want to relive those glory days.

Why we’re unsure about it
Jesse Eisenberg plays the delivery boy. We’ve got absolutely nothing against him, but, since The Social Network, we can’t help but think of him as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Whenever we hear anything about Mark Zuckerberg, we picture Jesse Eisenberg. When we watch 30 Minutes or Less, we’re pretty sure our simple mind will be screaming “Look, there’s Mark Zuckerberg! Why are you delivering pizza, Mark Zuckerberg? Hey Mark Zuckerberg, don’t rob that bank, you’re bloody loaded – you founded Facebook!” But maybe that’s just us.

30 Minutes or Less is in cinemas October 16