You know what Sunday is, don't you? Only bloody Halloween. Sheesh, is it that time of year already? Another night of watching inaudible telly with the lights off and curtains closed, just to maintain the charade you're 'out' (on a Sunday night - yeah right), thus avoiding having to answer the door to 15-year-old thugs who haven't even had the common decency to bother dressing up.

"What have you come as, sonny?"

"A perpetrator of knife crime. Now give me some bloody money."

"Err, don't suppose you like digestive biscuits? No, not chocolate. The plain kind. Or I think I might have a packet of Angel Delight in the cupboard somewhere..."

At least you can watch a nice scary film, like A Nightmare On Elm Street. Which is out now on DVD and Blu-ray.