Here at FHM, we don’t like to constrain ourselves to merely dating women that exist. In a move to expand our horizons – and definitely not just because we’re lonely and sad ever since our ex-girlfriend left us – we figured we’d have a go at dating some of the wonderful women of videogames. Here is our story.
Date One: Faith from Mirror’s Edge
This is Faith with a, uh, previous boyfriend
Faith seemed like an edgy sort of girl, when we rang her – we managed to get her number off a friend of hers, which seemed pretty slimy but she’s never on Facebook at all. Her phone kept cutting out as though she was repeatedly falling off high buildings or being shot to death by guards, but after a while we hammered out a time and a place to meet.
The time: noon. The place: the top of a tremendously white building. The other options she gave us were a sewer or a closed building site, and this one seemed like we were breaking the fewest laws by being here.
We figured we’d surprise her with a picnic – after all, it doesn’t look like she gets much to eat – and we were doing our best to spread out a red and white blanket on the ground. It was hard with the bright sunlight and general homogenous nature of the rooftops, but we pressed ahead.
Faith landed awkwardly next to us for a second. “Let’s go, let’s go!” she said, bouncing from one foot to the other. “I don’t want to lose my flow!” We threw her a sandwich which she grabbed in one hand. “Come on!” she said, running off, and were about to jog along behind her when she fell off the roof and landed with a sickening crunch.
We wrote it off as bad luck, and moved on.
Date Two: Zoey from Left 4 Dead
We wouldn't trust us either, Zoey
Zoey was a student, which we liked, and we were also a fan of her free spirit and obsession with zombie films. We dug out our old copy of 1976's Zombie Holocaust on DVD (which cost us £15 on import the last time were trying to convince a girl we liked cult horror films) and set off to meet her for dinner.
She’d brought some friends along – they were all men, which was kind of weird – but we settled down with an aperitif each and got to talking.
“So Zoey,” we say, “What are you studying at Uni?”
“Reloading!” She bellowed.
“I’m reloading over here!” She repeated, taking a sip of her Bacardi and coke.
“Um, okay. Sure. That sounds nice, actually, back when we we-“
“Sure, got that, is everything okay?”
“Pipe bombs over here!” She said, looking nowhere in particular.
After five minutes of hearing about Zoey reloading, we realised this wasn’t for us. We made our excuses and got our coat, while she furiously backpedalled around the restaurant in search of a med pack. We placed one hand on her shoulder and ducked as she reactively swings at us.
“Listen, Zoe,” we said, “you seem really distracted tonight. If you want to get to know each other better, give us a ring.” She looked at us for a second, smiled, and placed a hand on our shoulder.
“Reloading!” she said, and accidentally set off a car alarm by shooting at it.
Date three: Taki from Soul Calibur
Jesus Taki you'll take someone's eye out with those things flying around
Taki called us, which came as a surprise. And when we say “called us” we mean “broke in our house at two in the morning.” We didn’t realise she was there until about 6, when we woke up and saw the dayglo pink skin-tight suit she was wearing as she stood over the bed.
Holding onto our bladders for just long enough to blurt out a “Hello,” Taki thrust a wakazashi under our chin.
“Where is the Soul Edge?” she said, her eyes flashing with intensity. Her beautiful brown eyes.
“Can’t help you with that,” we said, shifting our weight under the blade, “but we can direct you to the best fry-up this side of Streatham. You interested?”
It was a gamble, sure, but something about the way that Taki had broken into our house (and, as it turned out later, killed our dog) excited us. This is a woman who’s in charge. We wanted to get the chance to talk, to ask about her quest spanning history and the world, and maybe – just maybe – work out how she kept those enormous breasts supported during fights.
It wasn’t to be. Throwing down a smoke bomb, she rolled sideways out of our house and knocked the door down with a cheap horizontal rush attack. Date three was over before it had begun. We resolved to do better.
Date Four: The Numbers Lady from Call of Duty: Black Ops
Complete write-off. Conversation both boring and hard to dechiper. Lucky we went to a Chinese restaurant else she’d never have got any food.
Date Five: Princess Peach from Super Mario Brothers
Nice brolly, Peach
We’ve got history with Princess Peach, having gone out with her briefly when we were in college, so when she wrote to us out of the blue it was a treat indeed. “We’d love to come and try your delicious cake,” we wrote, “and we can’t wait to see you. Put something sexy on...”
A week, and a flight down pipes that we’re sure were neither official transport lines nor entirely sanitary later, we arrived. We were impressed. Turns out the Princess lived in a castle!
Well, actually, the Princess was in another castle. That’ll teach us for flying Ryanair. We trek across the curiously jovial but definitely feudal landscape, and finally make it after the best part of a day. She’s waiting at the door with open arms, and while we’re not in the best of moods, but it’s good to see her again. Far from putting on something sexy, she was wearing the same full-length form-concealing dress she’s had on since the late eighties. Shame.
And suddenly, BLAM - up rocked this hairy little plumber, and he’s shouting and whooping and triple-jumping and she kisses him on the nose. Turns out Peach has got some serious issues, and she’s still got an on-again-off-again thing going with that plumber. We cut our losses and move on as the plumber starts doing mushrooms and rifling through anything that isn’t nailed down for “coins.”