WHO’S PLAYING TONIGHT?

Right, let’s just take a look at the EuroBalls wallchart. Okay, well we’ve got… we’ve got… erm… hold on… there’s NOTHING! This isn’t supposed to happen is it?

That’s right people, the quarter finals don’t actually start until tomorrow evening, when the Czech Republic play Portugal. Until then, we’ll have to fill our time in thinking about our poor, neglected club sides and catching up on the ill-informed bullshit that passes as transfer speculation.

ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?

Well, you could always watch this hilarious, scarcely believable video of Leon Knight commentating on some of his own goals as he watches them on his massive telly. It’s pretty special.

Or you could listen, snigger and think about Cameron Diaz as Wayne Rooney tells ITV all about having Andy Carroll’s ‘product’ in his hair during last night’s England win over the Ukraine.

OH YEAH, WE THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GOING TO MENTION ENGLAND’S GLORIOUS ONWARD MARCH…

Let’s not get carried away, even though the ‘England are going to win the tournament with their hands tied behind their backs and product in their hair’ bandwagon is well and truly in town after our boys topped the group last night.

There’s a world of difference between riding your luck and sneaking a win against the Ukraine and getting something against the Italians, which is what Roy’s Rovers will have to do on Sunday evening. Get through that and it’ll almost certainly be the Germans in the semi-final. So, can we try and hang on to that underdog status that has served us so well up until now please?

The bookies seem to have their heads screwed on and have England pegged as fifth-favourites to win Euro 2012 – you can get 8/1 on them bringing home the big shiny thing at the start of July.

Another tasty bet is ‘How many games will go to extra time?’ With seven matches remaining, your challenge is to guess how many will be tied after 90 minutes. We’re liking the look of ‘four or more’, which is up for grabs at 7/1.

ANYTHING FOR ENGLAND FANS TO DO IN THE UKRAINE BETWEEN NOW AND SUNDAY?

They could always go and do some volunteer work in an alcoholic bear clinic. Forcing bears to drink moonshine before watching them sway and dance used to be regarded as top-notch entertainment in Kiev but the authorities clamped down on it ahead of the tournament.

Unfortunately, the bears are hooked on the dodgy booze and loads of them have been held in captivity while they ‘dried out’ before being released back into the wild. It’s hard to decide whether they’ve got it better or worse than Gazza…

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