SO… SPAIN v PORTUGAL WAS A LOAD OF OLD CRAP WASN’T IT?

Indeed it was. You could see which way it was headed at half time when BBC1’s commentator described the first 45 minutes as ‘fascinating’. Essentially, that’s broadcaster speak for ‘shite’. Which it was.

With a total of just one on-target shot in the regulation 90 minutes and Cristiano Ronaldo playing like a dog that had just found a balloon, you’d have got more nail-chewing megadrama if you’d been watching Midsomer Murders on ITV instead. 

Things only livened up once we finally got to the inevitable penalty shoot-out, where Ronaldo didn’t even get to have a turn. The self-loving hair product enthusiast was nominated to take the fifth spot kick, presumably with match-winning glory not too far from his thoughts.

But the shoot-out didn’t even get that far, and misses by João Moutinho and Bruno Alves meant that Spain got through to the final before C-Ron even got the chance to ice the spectacular cake of glory that he was scoffing rabidly inside his own mind. The idiot. 

WHO WILL SPAIN FACE IN SUNDAY’S FINAL?

We’ll know for sure tonight, after Germany and Italy have played out the second semi-final. It’d be hard for it to be worse than last night’s non-event, but there’s so much at stake that we doubt it’ll be a classic.

Italy’s players will know that they’re the underdogs, so we can expect to see them trying to nullify the attacking threat of the Germans. Basically, the Italians are never happy than when they’re practising the noble art of defending, so we wouldn’t be surprised to get another 0-0 after 90 minutes. You can get 15/2 on that outcome with William Hill.

If you’re a drooling, glass-half-full maniac who is convinced that something a bit more positive might happen, a Germany win in 90 minutes with a Mesut Özil goal among it all can be had at a tasty 6/1. 

WHAT OTHER NEWS FROM THE BUBBLING CAULDRON THAT IS EURO 2012?

Ooooh, tough one. This time last week, we had our news lips wrapped around a gushing info-pipe, but now that things are starting to wind up and most of the tournament’s participants are roasting their arses on a beach somewhere, that pipe is now parping out a weedy trickle of news instead.

The main story that’s distracting THE ENTIRE WORLD TODAY is that David Beckham won’t be included in the Great Britain football squad at the Olympics. To be honest, our shoulders couldn’t be more shrugged at the news. 

Bluntly, the FORMER legend is 37 now and is in no way one of the three best over-23 players available to Stuart Pearce. Picking him would be like asking Sir Steve Redgrave to get in a boat again or to force Lord Coe back on to the track. Don’t worry Becks, there’ll be another Soccer Aid match along a few months after the Olympics – we’re sure you’ll get half an hour or so in that…

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