ANY MATCHES ON TODAY THEN?

Stop messing about – it’s only England v Sweden tonight (7.45pm kick off) and it’s one that neither side can afford to lose. As such, Roy Hodgson looks set to make a significant change as he ACTIVATES THE CARROLL!

Yes, Liverpool’s hapless barnstorming centre forward is due to start up front against the Swedes, with Ashley Young tipped to retreat to the wing and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain set to retreat off the pitch altogether and on to the bench. 

Perhaps Hodgson genuinely believes that Carroll is capable of helping England get the points they need, in spite of the fact that the lumbering Geordie was lacking in both goals and confidence last season.

Or maybe he’s taken a look at the Premier League’s OTHER misfiring big money striker, Fernando Torres – after all, he’s finally come good at Euro 2012 (even though one of his two goals against the Irish came after the ball was stolen from a dozing Richard Dunne).

WHERE'S THE SMART MONEY GOING? OR JUDGING BY EUROBALLS' RECENT TIPS, THE IDIOT MONEY…

There aren’t expected to be any other changes in the England starting XI, although Steven Gerrard has been working in training on getting forward into the box more than he did against France, so we could see a more open, end-to-end match tonight. We’re GOING FOR GOALS with our betting tip for this one – our shiny pound coin will be placed on a 3-2 England win at 40/1 with William Hill

Sweden are expected to make three changes, with former Bolton striker Johan Elmander coming back in alongside Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Shit. That could prove to be a bit of a problem actually.

Before that, France and the Ukraine will be tussling with each other in a match that we hope will end in a drab 0-0, with five or six Ukraine players getting injured or sent off. You can get 8/1 on that goalless scoreline and it all kicks off at 5pm.

HAVE UEFA SPANKED NICKLAS BENDTNER OVER HIS ADVERT PANTS YET?

Yes! Yes they have. The genius Danish forward, potential cancer-curer and stand-by Avengers member twanged the top of his kecks out of his shorts after scoring against Portugal and now the authorities have tut-tutted an improper conduct charge in his direction.

Bendtner is shocked by the charge and has said: “It is just a pair of lucky boxer shorts that I used in the first game as well and have used before the tournament.” We’re just hoping he had them washed in between matches…

WILL ROY KEANE BE THE NEXT IRELAND MANAGER?

Following the great man’s outburst in the wake of the spanking that the Irish received from Spain last night, it’s unlikely, unless the Irish FA are keen to bring in someone who might well use waterboarding as a post-training warm down method.

Keane scoffed at the praise doled out to the Irish fans for their never-say-die attitude even as their team were carefully pulled apart by a Spanish team that were as clinical as a lion dismembering a buffalo carcass. 

The ex-Man Utd man moped: “I think the players and even the supporters, they all have to change their mentality – it's just nonsense from players speaking after the games about how great the supporters are.” Don’t expect him to be in the running when 175-year-old Trappatoni finally hangs up his boots (or disintegrates into dust, whichever comes first).

Meanwhile, Mick McCarthy, who has already been Ireland boss, believes that the Irish can beat the Italians in their final group match. Hmmm… who’s the actual mentalist here?

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