RUSSIA V POLAND: MOST EXCITING 1-1 OF ALL TIME?

Not far off. It had the lot – an intimidating pre-match march by Russian fans (who later unfurled a banner the size of St. Petersburg in the crowd), some aggro, 90 minutes of open, pulsating football that was garnished with a brace of sublime goals and a result that leaves the group wide open with one game to play.

Wide open unless you’re of a Greek persuasion. After another shoddy performance, losing 2-1 against the Czech Republic, they’re almost certain to head back to their beautiful, broken country unless they can beat Russia by at least a couple of goals on Saturday. Which is unlikely.

As for the Russians themselves, we’re going to put our necks on the line and predict that if they can get through a quarter final against a Group B qualifier (assuming that the Greeks don’t overturn them first), the Red Army can go on and win this thing.

Unfortunately, such a win would give the Russian nation a lethal confidence boost and set off a horrifying domino effect, spurring them on to increase their worrying military presence in Syria and probably spark off ‘World War 3 – The Reckoning’ into the process. Still, they’re 12/1 to win the tournament so you could pocket a few quid before we’re all annihilated. 

WHAT ARE THE ENGLAND LADS UP TO?

Things are VERY laid back in Camp England at the moment. Ahead of Friday’s must-not-lose clash with Sweden, the boys have been getting haircuts from a shipped-in barber in Ashley Young’s bedroom and they’ve got the rest of the day off with their WAGs and mates with a 10.30pm curfew. Surely NOTHING can go wrong…

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF ONE OF THEM WINDING UP SINGING ICE ICE BABY IN A BAR WITH A GROUP OF FANS?

Slim. Former Ireland ‘star’ Kevin Kilbane has already done that this week, and lightning rarely strikes twice. Witness…

HOW GAY IS EURO 2012 RIGHT NOW?

We don’t have any accurate stats but we do know this – Italy’s Antonio Cassano has been fiercely criticised for expressing his hope that there are no homosexuals among his team mates. Meanwhile, the Swedish squad have raised some eyebrows by firing their balls at reserve keeper Johan Wiland's naked arse during a training session. We reckon those two events cancel each other out, leaving the tournament no more or less gay than it was when it started.

WHAT’S GOING ON TODAY ON THE PITCH THEN EUROBALLS?

Today sees the return of Group B, known to some as the Group Of Death but known to us as the Group Of Overrated, Underperforming Shitehawks. Responsible for the dullest day so far in its first round of games, we’re hoping that Portugal will try and play some actual attacking football against the Danes, and we’re going to put our money where our mouth is. A Portugal win, with a Ronaldo goal thrown into the mix is a fairly likely but not all that lucrative 7/2.

Following that is Germany v Netherlands, with the Dutch army needing to get something, anything if they’ve got a hope of getting out of the group. We’re predicting a crazed blizzard of Orange attacking with Robin van Persie at 10/1 to score two or more and 50/1 to nab a hat trick.

It should be noted that our most recent bets have been dog-rotten so the law of averages states that today’s are ‘certain’ to be ‘winners’. Get your money out.

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