WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THE DUTCH?

The Dutch are a pretty laid-back bunch. What with the freely-available drugs and the scantily-clad women hanging out of windows all over the place, they’ve got very little to get stressed out about. But today, their football fans are panicking.     

Last night’s 2-1 mauling by the iron fist of the Germans, as Mario Gomez finally sussed out how to do a major tournament, has left the Dutch reeling, with qualification from the group now looking unlikely. It’s all a long, long way from this time last week when the intellectual powerhouse that is Robbie Savage tipped them to win the tournament.       

In order to progress the Dutch will need to beat Portugal and hope that the Germans beat Denmark, but even then, it’ll all come down to goal difference. As the Germans only need a point against the Danes, their RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY will probably mean the orange-kitted Steve McLaren impersonators will be the most surprising casualty of the first stage.        

TALK TO US ABOUT NICKLAS BENDNTER’S UNDERCRACKERS PLEASE EUROBALLS…    

The self-styled ‘greatest man alive’ (or something) has let his usually impeccable judgment become fogged following the offer of some free underpants (and maybe even some money) from a bookmaker whose name we won’t mention (because we cannot be bought – ahem).     Bendtner flashed some pants with an advert on them during the celebration of his second goal in Denmark’s thrilling 3-2 Group B defeat against Portugal, practically waving his knackers in the faces of UEFA and their rules about unauthorised advertising. He could face ‘UEFA action’ but he’s so perverse that he’d probably get off on it.        

HOW ARE ENGLAND’S PREPARATIONS FOR THE SWEDEN GAME GOING?  

Amazingly well. The players were given the afternoon and evening off yesterday, something which they all managed to negotiate without committing a major crime, crashing a motor vehicle or getting a tattoo of Harry Redknapp’s face on any of their cheeks.    

The bad news is that the dreaded England brass band have been told that they’ll be allowed to do their infernal parping at tomorrow night’s match, following the confiscation of their instruments before the France game. We’re now regretting our decision not to launch a campaign calling for the instruments to be melted down and turned into jewellery for the Ukrainian homeless.

WHAT’S GOING ON TODAY THEN?

More mayhem from the crazy world of Group C – the Group Of Gnawing Poverty. Practically bankrupt Italy are up against the Croatians, with the latter looking for the win that could guarantee their qualification. But the Italians also need a win after their draw with Spain and are sticking with their batshit-mental strike force of Balotelli and Cassano. William Hill will give you 6/1 on Cassano scoring in an Italian win.

After that comes the match that we confidently predict will provide the shock result of the tournament – Spain v Ireland. We contacted Paul the Psychic Octopus through a medium and he’s saying 2-0 to Ireland. Also, it’s 100/1 and we’re getting desperate.

Visit William Hill for all the best Euro 2012 odds...

Bet on Euro 2012 with FHM's betting partner William Hill