WOW. 4-0 TO SPAIN. SO, DID WE SEE THE GREATEST TEAM OF ALL TIME LAST NIGHT THEN?

If you’re not including the Harlem Globetrotters and the A-Team, then yes… probably. Some older folks are saying that Spain are no match for Brazil 1970, but that side didn’t enjoy the same repeated success that the Spanish team have mustered.

Basically, out of Spain’s 23-man Euro 2012 squad, 12 of them also own medals from the same tournament from four years ago. They’re no flash in the pan - they've been doing this shit for a while now. 

If they can retain their World Cup title in two years’ time in the Brazilian tournament, there’ll be no doubting their credentials, especially as no European nation has ever won it on the sun-battered shores of South America. 

DID SPAIN DESERVE THE WIN, OR WAS IT AN OFF-NIGHT FOR THE ITALIANS?

The contribution of the runners-up didn’t really matter. The ‘boring’ Spanish upped their game from the start, adding an attacking threat to the possession football that had troubled ‘experts’ like, erm, Mark Lawrenson. 

Even though Italy were forced to play out the final third of the match with just 10 men after Thiago Motta went off injured, the result was a foregone conclusion, with Spain already leading 2-0 and mullering the Italians.

The champions’ further two goals were just window-dressing, helping the final result to match the performance. In a nutshell, Spain are the dog’s bollocks.

NOW THAT THE DUST’S SETTLED, WHO HAS MADE INTO THE EUROBALLS HALL OF FAME?

  1. Andreas Iniesta. The best player in the world, edging out Messi thanks to his international triumphs. Pretty much unplayable and a player who NEVER has a bad game, Iniesta is like some kind of magnificent footballing robot.
  2. Andrea Pirlo. With a tournament that was reminiscent of Maradona in 1986, peerless Pirlo hauled his workmanlike Italian team mates to the final almost single-handed, running the game from his vantage point at the base of his midfield.
  3. Nicklas Bendtner. Did okay with the ball at his feet, scoring a couple of goals. Did better as an agent of rebellion, advertising a non-UEFA-authorised bookies on his undercrackers and picking up a massive fine. In a tournament bereft of meltdowns and punch-ups, it was the closest we got to anarchy.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE HALL OF SHAME? 

  1. The pre-kick off countdown. The sight and sound of everyone standing around and counting down from ten before the game could get underway made us feel like school kids waiting for the bell to ring. If they wanted to create a spectacle, they should have got the ball to drop out of a helicopter right on to the centre spot.
  2. Michel Platini. Hates goal-line technology and wants Euro 2020 to be played all over Europe, an idea that will lead to mass travel chaos and costliness. A fat wanker. Hard to remember he was such a great player. 
  3. Chris Moyles. The BBC gave him the red button to provide an alternative commentary to England v Sweden. This added up to him boasting about how many texts he was receiving, eating cake, missing most of the action and playing snatches of Abba songs (the best bit).

BEFORE YOU WRAP IT ALL UP, CAN WE HEAR ALAN SHEARER TALKING ABOUT SEX?

Yeah – here you go…

Bye then.