IS IT REALLY HERE AT LAST? THE BIG DAY? ENGLAND V ITALY?

Yes. Now is the time. All across England, Italian products are being boycotted, with popular things like pizza, Neapolitan ice cream and sordid ‘bunga bunga parties’ all cast aside until the MASSIVE quarter final rumpus is done and dusted later today. 

England are expected to name an unchanged side which means there’s STILL no place for that third-choice keeper who no one’s ever heard of. It also means that the mooted recall of Andy Carroll won’t be happening, although the harmless giant could well get a turn if things get sticky and England need to start chucking balls ‘into the mixer’.

In yesterday’s final training session ahead of the match, Roy Hodgson ramped up the mind games by about 150%, wandering around in a pair of shades and looking like a gangland boss from a fourth-rate late 1990s Britflick. It’s the wavy hair. That’ll rattle ‘em.

ANY MATCH-FIXING INCENTIVES FOR THE ITALIANS?

Not so much for the players, but there’s a great reason for the coaching staff to do their bit to see that the Italians lose. After their win over Ireland, manager Cesare Prandelli celebrated by taking his assistants on a 13-mile walk to a local monastery at 3am. If they beat England, there’s every chance that he’ll make them do it again. Poor bastards.

If they’ve got any sense they’ll be spiking the players’ isotonic fitness drinks with powerful sedatives in the hope that they’ll get out of it. With that in mind, pile all your money on an England win – you can get Wayne Rooney to score at any time during an England win for 7/2 with William Hill.

Alternatively, if you’re not of the belief that an England victory is inevitable (in which case you should probably be DEAD) you can get tempting 5/1 on Mario Balotelli bagging a net-score as part of a Italian triumph. Pah.

WHO ELSE WILL BE IN THE SEMI-FINALS, ONCE ENGLAND COMFORTABLY QUALIFY?

Spain eased their way past the hapless French, and into the last four, joining Portugal and Germany as they cruised to an effortless 2-0 win. Meanwhile, increasing dissent is growing about their stupid tactical ploy of being so good at keeping the ball that the other team don’t get a kick. There’s really no pleasing some people…

HOW ARE THE FRENCH DEALING WITH THEIR DEFEAT?

They seem to have handled it like men, with no major complaints. Oh, other than from global irritant Samir Nasri. The Manchester City ‘star’ stomped around after the match, venting spleen at some French journalists, growl-squeaking: “You always want to write some shit on us. Fuck you, go fuck your mother son of a bitch” at anyone who would look at him or listen to him.

If you ask us, he needs to just slap on a pair of Roy Hodgson shades and chill the fuck out…

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