THAT GROUP OF DEATH ALMOST KILLED US, DIDN’T IT? 
 

We got ALL the beers in, we painted our faces four different colours, we were even wearing special jackets lined with eight pockets of ice in case it all got too much for us. It was the Group Of Death and we thought it was going to blow our minds.

The reality? Group Of Long, Slow, Painful Death more like. Denmark pulled off a shock 1-0 against the Dutch, whose increasingly hapless attempts to score were like watching a piss artist struggling to get his key in the front door.

After that, the flair-filled Portuguese XI tried to park the bus against the Germans, boring the watching squillions of Europe and ending up with exactly what they deserved – sweet dick all. Cutaway shots of Jose Mourinho playing with his phone as he sat in the crowd said it all.

Meanwhile, at exactly the same time in an alternative universe (New York), Lionel Messi got a sextacular hat trick as Argentina beat Brazil 4-3. To be honest, we’re feeling cheated. 
 

LET’S PUT IT BEHIND US AND MOVE ON – WHAT’S NEXT?

At the risk of jinxing the action again, today’s Group C games look like a brace of belters, with Spain playing Italy and the Irish up against Croatia. The first match could suffer from the dreaded Avoid Defeat At All Costs Syndrome, with the group’s heavyweights both looking to pick up their wins in their two other games instead, but Ireland and Croatia should throw up plenty of delicious footballing goodness.

If you fancy making things a little bit more interesting, you can get 7/1 on David Silva scoring as part of a Spain win, or for the more adventurous punter, Richard Dunne is 12/1 to score at any time for Ireland (his speciality of own goals don’t count).
 

THOSE ICE JACKETS YOU MENTIONED EARLIER? WHERE CAN I GET ONE? 

You can’t. The dastardly French have already nicked the idea and each of their players will be cooling down in one at half time during tomorrow’s match with England. It’s called a Cryo Jacket and the French reckon that it’ll help combat what could be 32 actual Celsius degrees of heat during the match. PHEW!

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