The night was growing dark, the people were downing their tools and Professor Green was buffing his freshest creps for the night of the year – the FHM Collections party.

The Captain was a hoot

With drink providers Captain Morgan’s and the ‘Buccaneer’ at the rum helm, we were set for a good night. FHM tried (and failed) not to drip our hair in the fish canapés. So apart from whiffing of fish and gently stalking Radio 1 fox Sarah Jane Crawford we were playing it pretty cool.

The gently stalked

We stomped on the dancefloor to a bizarre yet strangely genius Nirvana dance mix, sipped on Capatin Morgan’s cocktails and we scooped up our goody bags filled with all sorts of swag. Not the Cher Lloyd kind, no-one wants a bag full of that. Not that we’re boasting or anything, but LOOK WHAT WE GOT:

A Case-Mate Iphone 4 case
Like/Dislike stamp
Jelly Belly beans
Hotel Chocolat Super Booster
Heaps of Bare Minerals make-up and skincare products
Gillette Irritation Defence Range Series 5 post-shave moisturiser
Donkey 5 Minute Candles
Kettle Ridge Crisps
Funkin' cocktail mixer
Crussh smoothie voucher
Lacoste White Fragrance

Sebastian Molding Mud
Captain Morgan bandana and light up key ring
Cans of sugar free Relentless Energy Drink

Obviously we applied, ate and wore pretty much every item as soon as we got on the bus like a mad cleptamaniac homeless person, but boy did we smell good.

Big man boss Joe Barnes and Big man boss Pro Green

The 9am ride to the office was a pretty rocky one. When we rolled up to work half an hour late croaky voicemails were being blasted across the office. The most weary members of staff were spun round in office chairs and force fed shots of vodka...


which they clearly really enjoyed.

If you fancy hanging loose on a desert island with rum, money and Mena Suvari then you can enter here.