To celebrate the June 10 release of Zero Dark Thirty on Blu-Ray, DVD and Ultraviolet, FHM were invited to a secret location (...Coventry) to recreate Operation Neptune Spear. That is, to enter the Abbottabad/Coventry compound with the intention of capturing/killing Osama Bin Laden and any associates.
We were trained by a former member of 22 SAS who has worked alongside US Delta Force and the infamous DEVGRU (SEAL Team 6) in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sounds cool, right? Read on to find out what FHM staffer Ally learned on her day of playing soldiers.
First, we met Paul and he shared a story or two. In brief, we realised that we'd never be as badass as him.
We learned how to blow the bloody doors off. And we also learned that green hi tops are not the best choice of camouflage.
If blowing the door off is, sadly, unnecessary, you can break the door down with this rather rad (and deceptively heavy) crow bar/ pickaxe/ giant nail remover.
Shields are heavier than you'd think. Plus you feel an insatiable urge to shout "Operation Human Shield!" whenever you rush the building.
Keep protective eyewear on at all times.
When throwing a flash bang, make sure it is into an open space. Otherwise it'll simple bounce of the wall/door you threw it at, and explode right by your feet...as demonstrated here.
Ah, night vision...this part is a whole story in itself.
It is at this point we should tell you that the picture above is from Zero Dark Thirty. It in no way reflects the humiliating events that proceeded.
So, once night had fallen and we all felt pumped and ready to rumble, the night vision was handed out.
"What a genius invention!" we thought to ourselves, as we mounted the devices onto our helmets. And then we switched them on.
We stood smiling at each other and hesitantly stumbled into the two waiting jeeps. Nobody wanted to admit the truth.
To put it simply, we couldn't see shit.
That being said, the tech the real soldiers have out in the field is supremely better and more advanced. Plus, they're real soldiers, not a bunch of intrepid reporters.
And so, when FHM staffer Ally climbed down from the jeep and rushed the building, all of the day's training went straight out the window..
The chosen "human shield" was repeatedly walking into walls like he was experiencing a system malfunction. Everyone was staggering around like blind drunks, loudly proclaiming that, indeed, they "couldn't see shit."
In the end, by some miracle, we did manage to take down our rubber mask-wearing Bin Laden. However the final humiliation came when Ally managed to tread on and fall over the world's once Most Wanted Man.
In the debrief, we were praised for not shooting down the innocent civilian woman in the corner of the room. We proudly accepted this praise from the real-life SAS hero, not wanting to admit that, of course, we hadn't even seen her.
One final thing...
If you think you look like a bad motherfucker, you probably don't. Here's the team demonstrating all the ways NOT to hold a rifle.
Zero Dark Thirty is out on June 10. Pre-order it right here.