BRONZE MEDAL FOR…  GIRL POWER

Men across the land are bracing themselves for severe cases of Ennis Elbow after Jessica Ennis got her heptathlon campaign underway with a blistering run in the 100m hurdles with a British and Olympic record time of 12.54 seconds.

If that wasn’t impressive enough, her time would have been fast enough to win gold in the individual hurdles in every Olympics except for 1988 and 2004. She’s GOOD.

There’s another gold medal in the imaginary Team GB medal sack today too, thanks to the strong-armed efforts of Katherine Grainger and Anna Watkins in the women’s double sculls, the pair seeing off the Australian lady-duo in spectacular style. 

 

SILVER MEDAL FOR… GERMAN MELTDOWN

Ah, the Germans. Traditionally so powerful, so efficient, although a robust economy and football are their main strengths. Oh, and sausages.  

But it might be all falling apart if recent events at the Olympics are anything to go by. Philip Hindes might have won gold for Team GB in the cycling after suffering a crash, but he’s partially German and doesn’t speak English so good apparently. 

“We were saying if we have a bad start we need to crash to get a restart,” he said afterwards. “I just crashed, I did it on purpose to get a restart, just to have the fastest ride. I did it. So it was all planned, really.”

Erm… right. But he’s still learning English and he didn’t really mean it – he was joking or something so let’s not have any investigation into his comments or take anyone’s medals away, okay? Phew.

Meanwhile, in other German news, rower Nadja Drygalla has left the Olympic village after it was alleged that her boyfriend is a Nazi. Oh well…

 

GOLD MEDAL FOR…  JAW-DROPPING HORSE WALKING

It’s been MAYHEM in the women’s dressage today with the Olympic record being smashed not once but twice!

Kristina Sprehe notched an astonishing (we think) score of 79.110%, but her record stood for just two hours, until Brit Charlotte Dujardin came along and smashed its arse off with 83.66%. Yes, we couldn’t believe it either!

Amazing scenes in the world of rich people riding horses in a straight line there, and if that doesn’t propel the sport into the forefront of the British public’s minds, then we don’t know what will.

 

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