BRONZE MEDAL FOR....A REALLY BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE
When your day starts with a long swim in the Serpentine, a dank open-air urinal to generations of London drunks, you’d think that it would mark a low point, that everything would simply have to get better from there. That’s not how it worked out for Polish triathlete Maria Czesnik. Halfway through a gruelling 25 mile bike ride, she stacked it and suffered the indignity of being RUN OVER by fellow competitor Sarah Groff.
“I rode over her torso!” exclaimed Groff excitedly.
Did she apologise? Did she send her best wishes? Did she bollocks.
“It’s the most insane thing that’s ever happened to me!” she burbled, selfishly. “So, YouTube, put it up, please!”
SILVER MEDAL FOR...BEING THE BLADE RUNNER
South African runner Oscar Pistorius became the first man with no legs to compete in an Olympics today, a feat that even the most cynical misery-guts would struggle to pour scorn upon. Pistorius was born with fibula hemimelia, or in laymans terms, without a fairly critical bone in his lower legs. At the age of eleven months, they were chopped off and the young Oscar was forced to grow up without them. Undaunted, he played rugby and water polo at school, became an accomplished Paralympian and has now beaten off the challenge of two-legged athletes to claim a place in the 400m semi-finals. All of which makes us feel a bit guilty about not going for a run at lunchtime yesterday because it was, “a bit rainy.”
GOLD MEDAL FOR...ABS OF STEEL
She did it! We spent most of Saturday worrying that she might be taken out by a stray javelin, stapled to the blocks by jealous rivals or felled by a passing meteorite, but Jessica Ennis won gold for Great Britain. While Ennis was always the favourite to win, to do so under the burden of such intense scrutiny and expectation was an immense achievement. So with the formalities out of the way, let’s talk about that stomach. It’s awesome! It’s so tight, it could deflect bullets! We could make a new sport out of bouncing coins off her tummy into a can, or playing her belly like a xylophone. You know, if she’s up for it.