BRONZE MEDAL FOR… CYCLING MAYHEM
Yesterday, everyone in Britain was about to head out and buy a bike before racing each other around the land for shits and giggles. Today, it’s all gone sour.
One minute Team GB lady bike duo Victoria Pendleton and Jess Varnish had broken the world record in the team sprint event, the next minute their record had been smashed up and they’d been disqualified.
The Chinese broke their hard-earned world record with our girls holding it for just a few minutes and then Victoria and Jess had sticks stuck in their metaphorical spokes by fussy judges following a changeover error that lasted for one hundredth of a second. Smash up your bikes everyone!
SILVER MEDAL FOR… GOLD MEDALS
Team GB is scooping up medals like one of those weird people who goes round the park scooping up poo that has been left by other people’s dogs. Except that the poo is made from precious metals and you can wear it around your neck without people thinking you should be put in jail.
Today has been an astounding day for the host nation, with golds won in the canoeing and shooting, all in the space of five minutes. If we could take that five minutes and multiply it across the whole of the games, Team GB would win enough gold to be able to buy the sun and have it pointed closer to the UK.
It’s also worth considering that we should now invent and pioneer a sport where competitors get to paddle along in a canoe while shooting at stuff. Global domination would surely follow and rightly so…
GOLD MEDAL FOR… DRUNK CHAMPIONS!
Last night, Bradley Wiggins vowed to celebrate his gold medal by ‘getting wasted’ and posted pictures of himself on Twitter rehydrating himself with large measures of vodka. Later on he tweeted that he was ‘blind drunk at the minute and overwhelmed with all the messages.’
Today’s gold medal-winnng geezer, Peter Wilson has ovbviously been inspired by Wiggins and has promised that he’s 'going to get very drunk and probably do something silly'. Peter Wilson won gold in the shooting.
Can someone make sure they’ve got the keys to his gun cupboard before he goes out…?
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