BRONZE MEDAL FOR… LOSING BEING THE NEW WINNING

We all saw the women’s doubles in the badminton last night, yeah? Shocking. Absolutely disgusting. In case you’re one of the handful of people that missed it, four pairs of players, including the Chinese favourites, played dirty, trying to lose so that they would get a better draw in the quarter finals.

It was a disgraceful piece of work and NOT what the glorious Games are about. Appropriately, the Olympic overlords have acted sharply and booted out the Chinese, Indonesian and two pairs from South Korea out, sending them home before they can make the vibe any worse.

 

SILVER MEDAL FOR… TEAM GB GOLD MEDALS!

Now THIS is more like it – we’ve finally got some gold around our collective necks and we’ve done it not once but twice today. 

This morning Helen Glover and Heather Stanning triumped in the coxless pairs, row-row-row-the-boating their way to glory, a victory made even more amazing by the fact that Helen had never been in a boat or heard of water before 2008*. 

Team GB then doubled their tally with sideburned cycle genius Bradley Wiggins pedalling his way to the top of the podium in the time trial, making him Britain’s most decorated Olympic athlete of all time. 

 

GOLD MEDAL FOR… THE NEW ‘HANGING MAYOR’ EVENT

Typical. On the day when we start bagging golds, the host city’s mayor bumbles his way into the headlines like some kind of hopeless oaf. 

Yes, it’s Boris Johnson, who somehow got stuck in mid air when the zip wire he was arsing about on malfunctioned, leaving him dangling twelve feet above a crowd. Worse still, none of the crowd saw it as an opportunity to hurl eggs at the fluff-haired civic leader, or whack him with sticks like he was a posh piñata filled with truffles. Piss poor effort, Britain.

 

(* Okay, we’re exaggerating. In fact she only took up rowing four years ago)

 

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