GOLD MEDAL… FOR OLYMPIC DNA

I don’t know how Mr and Mrs Brownlee have been doing it or what they’ve been eating before they’ve done it, but if they’re up to it, we need them to do it some more. We need to harness their DNA for the good of British sport. To spawn one triathlete so blessed with superhuman endurance and courage is impressive, to spawn two is a business opportunity. In the most gruelling sporting event of all, Alistair Brownlee trotted home for gold, younger brother Jonny won bronze in spite of a time penalty and, if the authorities had any sense, Mr and Mrs Brownlee were whisked off to a fancy hotel and given a bottle of champagne and a Barry White CD. 

SILVER MEDAL… FOR OPPORTUNISM

Ah, the Olympics. It’s what every athlete dreams of. Unless, of course, you have other priorities. Cameroonian officials have been forced to admit that SEVEN of their team have now vanished since arriving in England. Goalkeeper Drusille Ngako disappeared shortly before the rest of her women’s football team left to play in Coventry, which is a rather dramatic reaction to the prospect of a trip to the West Midlands and, since she scarpered, five boxers and a swimmer have also kicked out the window and fled into the night. However, there is no suggestion that avoiding a trip to Coventry was their motivation as well. 

BRONZE MEDAL… BECAUSE HE NEEDS A HUG

When a veteran athlete falls short in his final Olympic appearance, you can usually expect some sympathy. Not so for Phillips Idowu. Within moments of his failure to qualify for the Triple Jump final, the BBC was being bombarded with text messages attacking Idowu for his performance. True, he had severed communications with the team and hidden himself away for weeks, privately battling his injuries in spite of advice to the contrary, but as Barney Ronay argued in the Guardian, it was, “not so much a gamble, as competitive desperation.” He wasn’t taking anyone else’s place, he wasn’t taking lottery funding. It was down to him how he prepared. We hope this imaginary medal will make up for the kicking he’s getting. 

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