We all remember the final scene in Scarface. It’s one of those landmark scenes, like Psycho’s murder in the shower, the “they may take our lives” speech in Braveheart, or the tear-jerking, heartrending moment when Willy defies gravity and leaps to freedom in Free Willy.
You can relive the dramatic collapse of Tony Montana’s cocaine emporium above. FHM, meanwhile - unrenowned filmmakers as we are - took the liberty of imagining how things could have turned out a little differently…
ALTERNATIVE ENDING NUMERO UNO
Tony realises that the huge pile of white powder in his office isn’t in fact cocaine, but sugar. As his rival cocaine kingpin Alejandro Sosa’s men close in on him, Tony points out the amusing mix-up. They all have a jolly good laugh, and Tony offers to make tea for everyone, so as not to let the sugar go to waste. A lovely tea party ensues, although there’s a moment of tension when one of the gunmen declines sugar as he’s “on a diet”. Tony appears enraged by the thug’s discourteousness, and everyone freezes in anxiety as he reaches into his desk. “Say hello to my little friend!” he shouts, producing a Candarel clicker and popping two tablets into the man’s mug. “It’s got absolutely no calories,” he adds.
Yes, the teapot is rather large. There were a lot of them at this tea party, okay?
ALTERNATIVE ENDING B
One of Sosa’s men, responsible for organising the raid on Montana Mansion, made the mistake of making the event public on Facebook. Thus, when they arrive, the house and garden are littered with TopMan clad teenagers, partying their dicks off, fuelled by an overdose of WKD Blue. The men decide to get into the spirit of things and enjoy themselves. Hours later, things threaten to turn ugly when no one can find a bottle opener. Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa square up, amidst a gathering crowd fearing fisticuffs are afoot. “Say hello to my little friend!” screams Montana, reaching into his back pocket, before producing a novelty Simpson’s bottle opener. “Mmm beer” belches a recorded Homer, and all is well again.
Yes, that bottle opener is too big. And he's still holding the gun. Fuck Photoshop is hard
THE THIRD WAY IT COULD HAVE ENDED
Just as Tony is about to confront Sosa’s men, the scene is interrupted by an aggressive alien invasion. The men quickly put aside their differences and huddle in Tony’s office, wondering how they will defend themselves against attack from this superior race. At that moment, a tiny green alien, who, because of our limited imagination, looks suspiciously like ‘Flubber’ from that dodgy Robin Williams film, transports through the wall and appears in front of them, demanding to see their leader.
“I saw something about thse people on the Sci Fi channel,” whispers one of the men. “They’ve got this inherent belief that small people are powerful. The smaller the person, the more intimidated they will be. What we really need is a small child who can negotiate with them. It’s our only hope of survival.”
“What good is that?” whispers Sosa. “There aren’t any children here. We’re all full-grown adults.”
“Don’t worry,” whispers a composed Tony. “I’ve got a plan.”
“Alien that looks a look like Flubber, say hello to my little friend!” he bellows, as world famous dwarf actor Verne Troyer cartwheels into the room. A clearly shaken Flubber beats a hasty retreat pleading “the world is yours, the world is yours!”
"Hey Tone, guys," nods a nonchalant Verne with a tip of his sunglasses.
Scarface (with the proper ending) is out on Blu-ray on September 5.
For further Scarface action, play Montana’s Miami game here. There's prizes to be won!